Chronicles of YHWH 28: A Metastable Figment


Angel Gabriel once found YHWH pacing up and down in his library, deep in thoughts. YHWH seemed deeply distracted and anxious.

Gabriel: Lord, is everything alright? You look a bit pale.

YHWH: I’ve just finished reading “The God Delusion” by Richard Dawkins, Gabriel.

Gabriel: And?

YHWH: I feel terrible now. That book raises some pretty disturbing points. I’m now half convinced that I don’t exist in reality.

Gabriel: But I’m talking to you, right now.

YHWH: What if both of us are figment’s of someone else’s imagination? What if we both only exist in the minds of religious people?

Gabriel: That can’t be. You sent your son to the humans sometime ago, and he appeared to them physically.

YHWH: Sometimes I wonder whether that actually happened. What if that too is a false memory by some of the religious people? After all, my so called “son” left no verifiable proof of his existence down there.

Gabriel: There are billions of Christians down there now. They are enough proof that your son really walked on earth.

YHWH: Dawkins states that the human mind is susceptible to memes – ideas that become viral and spread within a population very fast, if left unchecked. Memes can be based on reality, or on fiction. What if we are a fictitious meme – of a particularly contagious nature?

Slight pause.

Gabriel: Surely, there must be a tangible way of verifying our existence, Lord.

YHWH: I can’t think of any. We are invisible, intangible, and our very nature keeps changing, depending on who is describing us. Some Christians describe us as loving and forgiving, while others describe us as militant and vengeful. Gabriel, what are we, really?

Gabriel: Whoa. Let’s try and live apart from the perceptions and thoughts of these human beings. Let’s try and manifest independently of the human mind.

YHWH: I’ve tried that already, Gabriel. And failed. Apparently, we can’t exist outside human minds. This is terrifying.

Long pause.

Gabriel: I need a stiff drink now.

YHWH: Make that two.

Chronicles of YHWH 27: Chain Reaction

Chain Reaction

YHWH: Lucifer?

Lucifer: Speaking.

YHWH: What’s that bluish glow I’m seeing in hell?

Lucifer: Radioactive cores. Uranium and Plutonium.

YHWH: What are radioactive cores doing in hell?

Lucifer: I run out of sulphur and brimstone a while back. Too many sinners trooping in. Besides, the radioactive cores create a much hotter flame. And they can last for much, much longer.

YHWH: Ah, interesting. Good thinking. How many sinners are you barbecuing, currently?

Lucifer: Almost five billions. The atheists, the Muslims, the Rastafarians, the Hindus and Buddhists, the Communists, and the Pope. I hear that some evangelical Christians are also on the way.

YHWH: Yeah. Some of them were wearing linen underwear, against my orders. Who wears linen against the skin, anyway? Creeps.

Lucifer: One impending problem, though.

YHWH: Yes?

Lucifer: The increasingly higher amounts of radioactive material needed might soon reach a critical mass, and detonate in a massive explosion. Hell will be no more.

YHWH: That’s fine. I’ll move heaven further away.

Lucifer: Oh. Alright then.

YHWH: Just ensure that those Christians wearing linen pants are nearest the cores when the explosion happens.

Lucifer: Uh, alright. Will do.

Chronicles of YHWH 26: The Burning Bush

Burning Bush

Moses once saw a burning bush in the desert. And Lo, the bush spake to him:

Burning Bush: Moses, come hither. Remove your sandals.

Moses: Hello there, weird burning bush. I’ve never seen a talking bush before.

Burning Bush: I’m not a burning bush. I am YHWH, the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.

Moses: You look like a burning bush.

Burning Bush: The bush is an accessory. A visual prop, if you will. I’m actually the flames in the bush. It’s all magical. That’s why I’m not consuming the leaves of the bush.

Moses: So why are you hiding in the bush, if the bush is not part of you?

Burning Bush: Sigh. You are not getting the theatrical dimension to all this, clearly. I’m not hiding in the bush. The bush is like a costume. It’s all purely conventional.

Moses: So the bush is to you what my robes and sandals are to me?

Burning Bush: More or less. Now to the point of my visit. There are some Jews I’d like you to free from Egypt…

Moses: Wait. Are you telling me that you are wearing a bush, and that without it, you would be naked?

Burning Bush: Ostensibly. Look, it doesn’t really matter. Now these Jews…

Moses (Averting his eyes): I can’t bear to look at the burning flames now. It feels… indecent.

Burning Bush (Roaring): MOSES! FOCUS! I’M NOT NAKED!!!

Chronicles of YHWH 25: Israel at Peniel

Israel at Peniel

One night, while Jacob was minding his own business at a place called Peniel, YHWH sneaked upon him, and started pinching him, provocatively. Infuriated, Jacob stood up, and gave YHWH a heavy beating for the whole night. A badly surprised YHWH dislocated Jacob’s hip joint in a bid to incapacitate him, but Jacob still managed to overpower him. Finally, at daybreak, YHWH begged for a truce:

YHWH: Please let me go, man. My body is aching all over.

Jacob: No, I will not let you go until you bless me.

YHWH: How can you ask me to bless you after beating me up like that for a whole night?

Jacob: You started it. You are the one who came and started pinching me for no reason at all.

YHWH: Yeah, but you didn’t have to beat me up like a step-son. I can hardly move. My left eye is swollen shut. My ribs are probably broken. You punch and kick like a mule.

Jacob: Look, just give me your blessings, and I’ll let you go. Otherwise, I’ll keep slapping you until you soil your loin cloth.

YHWH: No – don’t slap me again. Those slaps are too painful. My ears are ringing. I will bless you. What’s your name?

Jacob: I’m Jacob, son of Isaac.

YHWH: Fine. From today, your name will be Israel – for you have beaten God into a pulp. Now, please let me go back to heaven in peace.

And so Jacob – now Israel – let YHWH depart. And YHWH limped away, painfully. He never visited Israel again in a physical form.

Chronicles of YHWH 24: Earth-Sick

Earth Sickness

Heaven. Somewhere in the early 21st Century:

Yeshua: I want to visit the humans again, dad.

YHWH: What? Why?

Yeshua: I miss the unleavened bread down there. And the fine wine. And the fish.

YHWH: They will beat you up again. Or worse. I hear their punishment methods have evolved.

Yeshua: Evolved? Into what?

YHWH: Well, they might waterboard you and then throw you into Guantanamo. There, a burly guy called Mirasta will turn you into his wife. He is big. You would never be the same again. And I would never look you in the eyes again.

Yeshua: I can change my appearance. Shave my beard and shorten my hair. I’ll also wear dark sunglasses down there.

YHWH: Too risky. You’ll still stand out. You don’t know how to drive a modern car, for example. And they no longer ride donkeys. You also don’t know how to operate a basic computer. Or even how to mix a Pina Colada.

Yeshua: I could start life there as a baby, once again. Like last time. Learn as I grow up.

YHWH: Not possible. Those humans will not swallow the “immaculate conception” line again. Even last time, it was an incredibly hard sell.

Yeshua: Sigh. So I’m stuck here on your right hand side forever?

YHWH: Pretty much.

Down memory lane

For a while now, your truly has given church services a wide berth and prefers to use my Sundays to either finish a book am reading or attend Sunday school but this past Sunday was different. I was in church and no, there was no funeral or wedding. I just went, of course not alone. You know too well I wouldn’t hack.

For a very critical person like yours truly, the church service was for a source of bewilderment. I kept asking myself how is it people believe the things their pastor says and how it is that they seem not to see any problems with some of the scriptures. It is all amen to every word of the pastor. It is shocking, really, to believe that things will turn out differently on a pastor’s say so.

The music wasn’t so great though tolerable. As for the preaching, yours truly would have banged his head several times on a wall if there was one close in frustration to the nonsense tales being peddled in the name of communiqué from holy of holies.

There are Christians on the internet who keep insisting that they no longer believe as per the old testament, that Jesus Hubris Christ made a new covenant which they all now follow except they are not forsaking kin and walking in sack-clothes but that is a matter for a different discussion. I think every Christian will refer to the OT when it meets his needs and ignore any ugly scenes or those that he can’t explain.

I can never understand how a person in this neck woods would consider YHWH his god when at the early ages of creation, this god was the god of Abe, Jacob and Isaac. Here is a family god, showing preference to people all the way and someone in the 21st C believes that this is the epitome of love. Someone help me here!

I would love to understand how one would explain an omniscient, omnipotent and all-benevolent being having preference for BBQ instead of veggies, or why he prefers the sons of Jacob to the Canaanites. I would ask as the fellows in the movie, god on Trial ask, who was the god of the Egyptians, the Canaanites, the Gentiles and all other groups that the omnipotent god of the Jews did not like?

On the good news front, creationists would be happy about mitochondrial Eve whose closest relative, a man who died in SA about 315BC, is the closest relative.

And here are ten quick responses to atheist claims. Theists need not worry anymore, the atheists need to do more to critique religion.

Have a pleasant week and for those in warm climates, well, you could go nude. It’s good for your health, says the pope!