Genesis 18

Birth of Isaac Promised

18 Now the Lord appeared to him by the oaks of Mamre, while he was sitting at the tent door in the heat of the day. When he lifted up his eyes and looked, behold, three men[did God come with his brothers or he has guards?] were standing opposite him; and when he saw them, he ran from the tent door to meet them and bowed himself to the earth, and said, “My Lord, if now I have found favor in Your sight, please do not pass Your servant by[since they are three dudes, who is his Lord? How do we tell one from the other].

Good old Abe welcoming his God. He must be one of the three!

Please let a little water be brought and wash your feet[the god of Abe must have dirtied his legs walking in the dust or why else would he be offered water to clean his feet], and rest yourselves under the tree[and he gets tired, must need rest, unless Abe doesn’t know his God is all powerful]; and I will bring a piece of bread[he eats bread, so must suffer hunger like us or why would Abe offer food?], that you may refresh yourselves; after that you may go on, since you have visited your servant.” And they said, “So do, as you have said[they have all agreed to food, water to wash their feet, don’t you just like Abe’s God. Could this be the source of the trinity? ].” So Abraham hurried into the tent to Sarah, and said, “Quickly, prepare three measures of fine flour, knead it and make bread cakes[how long if I may does it take to bake bread or was Sarai expecting the guests? Some help here!].”

Abraham also ran to the herd, and took a tender and choice calf and gave it to the servant, and he hurried to prepare it[so the gods also love choice meat!]. He took curds and milk and the calf which he had prepared, and placed it before them; and he was standing by them under the tree as they ate[they must have been really hungry to wait for bread to be baked and a choice calf be chosen, slaughtered and BBQed].

Then they said to him, “Where is Sarah your wife?” And he said, “There, in the tent.” 10 He said[Am confused here, they asked, he said; how many Gods are speaking or is this particular verse written by two competing scribes?], “I will surely return to you at this time next year; and behold, Sarah your wife will have a son.” And Sarah was listening at the tent door, which was behind him. 11 Now Abraham and Sarah were old, advanced in age; Sarah was past childbearing.

12 Sarah laughed to herself, saying, “After I have become old, shall I have pleasure[It seems to me Sarah have given up on this acts and know that with her advanced age there is no point], my lord being old also[and that old Abe will be shooting pool with a rope]?” 13 And the Lord said to Abraham, “Why did Sarah laugh, saying, ‘Shall I indeed bear a child, when I am so old?’ [Doesn’t this lord know that their suggestion is an odd one? or are we having a miracle in the making?14 Is anything too difficult for the Lord? At the appointed time I will return to you, at this time next year, and Sarah will have a son.” 15 Sarah denied it however, saying, “I did not laugh”; for she was afraid. And He said, “No, but you did laugh.”[I like the exchange between Abe, Sarah and the gods. Sarah finds their suggestion preposterous.]

16 Then the men rose up from there, and looked down toward Sodom; and Abraham was walking with them to send them off. 17 The Lord said[ As i have said, I am going to need help here, is Abraham’s God a man, 3 men or what? I don’t get it!], “Shall I hide from Abraham what I am about to do[ do I see a guilty conscience from the good Lord?], 18 since Abraham will surely become a great and mighty nation, and in him all the nations of the earth will be blessed[ Is Abe’s God planning another destruction of humanity. He does have this ruminations when he is about to do something of this kind]?

19 For I have chosen him, so that he may command his children and his household after him to keep the way of the Lord by doing righteousness and justice, so that the Lord may bring upon Abraham what He has spoken about him.” 20 And the Lord said, “The outcry of Sodom and Gomorrah is indeed great, and their sin is exceedingly grave. 21 I will go down now, and see if they have done entirely according to its outcry, which has come to Me; and if not, I will know[ For the upteenth time, should someone say in my face their God is all knowing, they will have to explain this passage here].”

22 Then the men turned away from there and went toward Sodom, while Abraham was still standing before the Lord. 23 Abraham came near and said, “Will You indeed sweep away the righteous with the wicked[here it seems to me Abe is more rational than his God or why is he having this discussion? What does this say about Abe’s God?]? 24 Suppose there are fifty righteous within the city; will You indeed sweep it away and not spare the place for the sake of the fifty righteous who are in it[ I think I would really want to have a discussion with this God. I have a few of my questions too!]?

v25 to 33 is an exchange between Abe and his God on what it would take him not to destroy Sodom and Gomorrah and it’s inhabitants. In all honesty, this discussion shouldn’t have been had in the first place. The omniscient God should have a better way of plucking those he thinks are wicked without causing destruction or killing innocents. You are free to disagree, but then you will have to give me a reason to believe your God on his merits!

Chapter 17

Abraham and the Covenant of Circumcision

17 Now when Abram was ninety-nine years old, the Lord appeared to Abram and said to him,

“I am God Almighty[there are other gods, so he must identify himself correctly];
Walk before Me, and be blameless[with his propensity for pimping am not sure he will manage this].
“I will establish My covenant between Me and you[I could be wrong, but a while ago, they had established a covenant. Is this a new covenant],
And I will multiply you exceedingly.”

Abram fell on his face, and God talked with him[this is a new scribe, Abram has fear before the lord. Before they just spoke], saying,

“As for Me, behold, My covenant is with you,
And you will be the father of a multitude of nations[Abe and his god already went through this. I’ve asked if this god has a memory problem or he inspires his scribes to repeat what he has already said].
“No longer shall your name be called Abram,
But your name shall be Abraham;
For I have made you the father of a multitude of nations.

I will make you exceedingly fruitful, and I will make nations of you, and kings will come forth from you[ The scribe here is establishing a lineage for kings as we shall see later ending in the gospels]. I will establish My covenant between Me and you and your descendants after you throughout their generations for an everlasting covenant, to be God to you and to your descendants after you[ If I understand this correctly, Abraham’s God is asking that he be his God and his descendants not for everyone. ].I will give to you and to your descendants after you, the land of your sojournings, all the land of Canaan, for an everlasting possession; and I will be their God [Unless there is a different explanation, I insist this God is Abraham’s and his descendants and them alone].”

V9 -13   Is the statement and conditions of the covenant between God, Abraham, his descendants and his slaves. How many christians follow this covenant is doubtful. Recently a court in Germany found circumcision of infant boys to be criminal.

14 But an uncircumcised male who is not circumcised in the flesh of his foreskin, that person shall be cut off from his people; he has broken My covenant[this god demands a lot of servitude. what does he want with male foreskins?].”

15 Then God said to Abraham, “As for Sarai your wife, you shall not call her name Sarai, but Sarah shall be her name.

Honest Abe, Sarah and Hagar

16 I will bless her, and indeed I will give you a son by her. Then I will bless her, and she shall be a mother of nations; kings of peoples will come from her.” 17 Then Abraham fell on his face and laughed[even Abe found his god’s promise to be ridiculous or else why is he laughing?], and said in his heart, “Will a child be born to a man one hundred years old? Andwill Sarah, who is ninety years old, bear a child?”

18 And Abraham said to God, “Oh that Ishmael might live before You!” 19 But God said, “No, but Sarah your wife will bear you a son, and you shall call his name Isaac; and I will establish My covenant with him for an everlasting covenant for his descendants after him. 20 As for Ishmael, I have heard you; behold, I will bless him, and will make him fruitful and will multiply him exceedingly. He shall become the father of twelve princes, and I will make him a great nation[just asking, why not make a covenant with both of them? They are all sons of honest Abe]. 21 But My covenant I will establish with Isaac, whom Sarah will bear to you at this season next year.” 22 When He finished talking with him, God went up from Abraham[god must reside somewhere or why he would he go up? while still on the point of going up, could the NASA scientists driving curiosity tell us if they have shots of this heavenly palace unless it’s further up].

23 Then Abraham took Ishmael his son, and all the servants who were born in his house and all who were bought with his money, every male among the men of Abraham’s household, and circumcised the flesh of their foreskin in the very same day, as God had said to him. 24 Now Abraham was ninety-nine years old [he will be past 100yrs when Isaac is born and just so you don’t ask me later; Sarah his wife/sister is 10yrs his junior] when he was circumcised in the flesh of his foreskin. 25 And Ishmael his son was thirteen years old when he was circumcised in the flesh of his foreskin. 26 In the very same day Abraham was circumcised, and Ishmael his son. 27 All the men of his household, who were born in the house or bought with money from a foreigner, were circumcised with him[who was doing the circumcision? This order has just been issued, how did they ensure the procedure is safe? Am just asking].

Chapter 16

Sarai and Hagar

16 Now Sarai, Abram’s wife/sister had borne him no children[nothing new here, when she was introduced in an earlier chapter, we were told she was barren], and she had an Egyptian maid whose name was Hagar. So Sarai said to Abram, “Now behold, the Lord has prevented me from bearing children[We can’t blame here here, knowledge of reproduction was not understood at this point in time. She could safely blame one of the gods for stopping her from getting pregnant].Please go in[i hope you know what this means] to my maid; perhaps I will obtain children through her.” And Abram listened to the voice of Sarai. After Abram had lived ten years in the land of Canaan, Abram’s wife Sarai took Hagar the Egyptian, her maid, and gave her to her husband Abram as his wife.

He went in to Hagar, and she conceived; and when she saw that she had conceived, her mistress was despised in her sight.[Why change of heart? she has just told Abe to get himself children with Hagar]

And Sarai said to Abram, “May the wrong done me be upon you[where is the wrong? she authorized the relationship]. I gave my maid into your arms, but when she saw that she had conceived, I was despised in her sight. May the Lord judge between you and me.” But Abram said to Sarai, “Behold, your maid is in your power; do to her what is good in your sight[why is Abram shirking responsibility, does he expect Sarai to be merciful to Hagar?].” So Sarai treated her harshly, and she fled from her presence.

Lets just say, Hagar being shown the door by Sarai

Now the angel of the Lord found her by a spring of water in the wilderness, by the spring on the way to Shur. He said, “Hagar, Sarai’s maid, where have you come from and where are you going?” And she said, “I am fleeing from the presence of my mistress Sarai [Sarai must be a vile woman, whence did she expect a pregnant Hagar to go?].” Then the angel of the Lord said to her, “Return to your mistress, and submit yourself  to her authority.” 10 Moreover, the angel of the Lord said to her, “I will greatly multiply your descendants so that they will be too many to count[so the angels could also make this prmise, or it just the reserve of the gods? I need help here].”11 The angel of the Lord said to her further,

“Behold, you are with child,
And you will bear a son[in future this same message will be told to some other maiden];
And you shall call his name Ishmael[ now you know where the Muslims get their descendants from through Abram, just in case you were not in the know],
Because the Lord has given heed to your affliction.

12 “He will be a wild donkey of a man[ what does this mean?],
His hand will be against everyone,
And everyone’s hand will be against him;
And he will live to the east[how far is this east from the initial east? Have they not started going west yet?] of all his brothers.”

13 Then she called the name of the Lord who spoke to her, “You are a God who sees”; for she said, “Have I even remained alive here after seeing Him[later on we will be told no one can see the lord and live. So either the scribe was not aware of these times when people saw God or he will change his mind about being seen]?” 14 Therefore the well was called Beer-lahai-roi; behold, it is between Kadesh and Bered.

15 So Hagar bore Abram a son; and Abram called the name of his son, whom Hagar bore[why the repetition], Ishmael[I thought he was given this name by the gods or is it Abram, am confused here].16 Abram was eighty-six years old when Hagar bore Ishmael to him[this guy has vitality, seriously at 86!].

Genesis 15

Abram Promised a Son

15 After these things the word of the Lord came to Abram in a vision[maybe Abram was hallucinating], saying,

“Do not fear, Abram,
I am a shield to you;
Your reward shall be very great.”

Abram said[how do you respond to a vision unless you’re hallucinating. Making things up], “O Lord God, what will You give me, since I am childless, and the heir of my house is Eliezer of Damascus?” And Abram said, “Since You have given no offspring to me, one born in my house is my heir.”

Eliezer of Damascus

Then behold, the word of the Lord came to him, saying, “This man will not be your heir; but one who will come forth from your own body, he shall be your heir.” And He took him outside and said, “Now look toward the heavens, and count the stars, if you are able to count them[Abram was a privileged dude, God wakes him from his sleep or is the dude sleep walking?].” And He said to him, “So shall your descendants be.” Then he believed in the Lord[we can deduce here that before this he didn’t believe in the Lord, or this wouldn’t have been said]; and He reckoned it to him as righteousness.

And He said to him, “I am the Lord who brought you out of Ur of the Chaldeans, to give you this land to possess it[why has the lord to identify himself unless Abram has other gods?].” He said, “O Lord God, how may I know that I will possess it?” So He said to him, “Bring Me a three year old heifer, and a three year old female goat, and a three year old ram, and a turtledove, and a young pigeon.” 10 Then he brought all these to Him and cut them in two, and laid each half opposite the other; but he did not cut the birds[if the birds are still alive, indulge me, were they hypnotized? How did he convince them to not fly away?]. 11 The birds of prey came down upon the carcasses, and Abram drove them away.

12 Now when the sun was going down, a deep sleep fell upon Abram; and behold, terror and great darkness fell upon him. 13 God said to Abram, “Know for certain that your descendants will be strangers in a land that is not theirs, where they will be enslaved and oppressed four hundred years[he is still a good god, one who condones slavery. If he knows what is going to happen in future, and these are his chosen people why not avert it or as has been said elsewhere, these stories are written after the exile and are thus no prophecy].14 But I will also judge the nation whom they will serve, and afterward they will come out with many possessions. 15 As for you, you shall go to your fathers in peace; you will be buried at a good old age[no news here, it’s a given he would die].16 Then in the fourth generation they will return here, for the iniquity of the Amorite is not yet complete.”

17 It came about when the sun had set, that it was very dark, and behold, there appeared a smoking oven and a flaming torch which passed between these pieces[creativity at its best, Abram’s god must love BBQ]. 18 On that day the Lord made a covenant with Abram, saying,

“To your descendants I have given this land,
From the river of Egypt as far as the great river, the river Euphrates:

19 the Kenite and the Kenizzite and the Kadmonite 20 and the Hittite and the Perizzite and the Rephaim 21 and the Amorite and the Canaanite and the Girgashite and the Jebusite[as i have said elsewhere, why would Abram’s god give him land belonging to others unless he likes causing conflict? Is there another justification for this?].”