Genesis 28

Jacob Is Sent Away

28 So Isaac called Jacob and blessed him and charged him, and said to him, “You shall not take a wife from the daughters of Canaan. Arise, go to Paddan-aram, to the house of Bethuel your mother’s father; and from there take to yourself a wife from the daughters of Laban your mother’s brother [The chosen family gives new meaning to the adage ‘a family that plays/prays together stays together!]. May God Almighty[El Shaddai] bless you and make you fruitful and multiply you, that you may become a company of peoples. May He also give you the blessing of Abraham, to you and to your descendants with you, that you may possess the land of your sojournings, which God[Elohim, a different member of the god family] gave to Abraham.” Then Isaac sent Jacob away, and he went to Paddan-aram to Laban, son of Bethuel the Aramean[ Bethuel is a member of the Abe family, are they Arameans?], the brother of Rebekah, the mother of Jacob and Esau.

Now Esau saw that Isaac had blessed Jacob and sent him away to Paddan-aram to take to himself a wife from there, and that when he blessed him he charged him, saying, “You shall not take a wife from the daughters of Canaan,” and that Jacob had obeyed his father and his mother [I don’t hear the mother talking. Anyone hear her?] and had gone to Paddan-aram. So Esau saw that the daughters of Canaan displeased his father Isaac; and Esau went to Ishmael, and married, besides the wives[how many does he already have ?]  that he had, Mahalath the daughter of Ishmael, Abraham’s son, the sister of Nebaioth[ It can’t be gainsaid, there is a lot of inbreeding in this house!].

Jacob’s Dream

10 Then Jacob departed from Beersheba and went toward Haran. 11 He came to a certain place and spent the night there, because the sun had set; and he took one of the stones of the place and put it under his head, and lay down in that place. 12 He had a dream, and behold, a ladder was set on the earth with its top reaching to heaven; and behold, the angels of God[Elohim] were ascending and descending

Jacob’s ladder

on it[by all means, this is an ambitious dream, if you allow me, for how tall would this ladder be? On a side note, what are the angels doing coming up and down?]. 13 And behold, the Lord stood above it and said, “I am the Lord[YHWH], the God[Elohim] of your father Abraham and the God[Elohim] of Isaac; the land on which you lie, I will give it to you and to your descendants. 14 Your descendants will also be like the dust of the earth, and you will spread out to the west and to the east and to the north and to the south; and in you and in your descendants shall all the families of the earth be blessed. 15 Behold, I am with you and will keep you wherever you go, and will bring you back to this land; for I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you.” 16 Then Jacob awoke from his sleep and said, “Surely the Lord is in this place, and I did not know it.” 17 He was afraid and said, “How awesome is this place! This is none other than the house of God, and this is the gate of heaven[ Brothers and sisters, the bible or Torah has been used to justify the creation of Israel; a country that continues to this date to oppress the Palestinians. The reasons they give is this land was given them by god! Let us be objective, how can this claim be made with such veracity while it only happens in Jacob’s dream? If I may ask, lets for example say I dream that I own a Ferrari, do I wake up and claim ownership of one from any dealership? I guess not! Dreams are just dreams nothing more, nothing less! I think it’s time Palestine was recognized as an independent state and Israel became friendly to their neighbors. That would be a step towards world peace, don’t you think? ].”

18 So Jacob rose early in the morning, and took the stone that he had put under his head and set it up as a pillar and poured oil on its top[ the oil will be washed away as soon as it rains. Reminds of the guy who drops his sword in the sea and marks his boat where the sword fell so he can come back and find the sword!]. 19 He called the name of that place Bethel [Beit- el]; however, previously the name of the city had been Luz [ why rename the place?. 20 Then Jacob made a vow, saying, “If God[Elohim] will be with me and will keep me on this journey that I take, and will give me food to eat and garments to wear, 21 and I return to my father’s house in safety, then the Lord[YHWH] will be my God[Elohim]. 22 This stone, which I have set up as a pillar, will be God’s[Elohim] house, and of all that You give me I will surely give a tenth to You[ This is the second mention of tithing 1/10th of your earnings for those who may have forgotten. It is also important to note at this point, Jacob puts conditions on what would make him believe in YHWH. I hear a variant of this prayer all the time; a guy prays “if you give us safe journey we will thank you”].”

Genesis 27

Jacob’s Deception

27 Now it came about, when Isaac was old and his eyes were too dim to see[ am just proposing that the eyes could be too dim but he ain’t blind and definitely his ears are ok!], that he called his older son Esau and said to him, “My son.” And he said to him, “Here I am.” Isaac said, “Behold now, I am old and I do not know the day of my death. Now then, please take your gear, your quiver and your bow, and go out to the field and hunt game for me; and prepare a savory dish for me such as I love, and bring it to me that I may eat, so that my soul may bless you before I die[ after having wasted 2 chapters on the fictitious character he is again given a duty to do. Now if I may what has food got to do with offering blessings? And as old man why not call his two sons together? Is he senile as well? Still on the same issue, why has Esau be the one to prepare him food and he, Ike, is still married. And why would one person require a whole game?].”

Rebekah was listening while Isaac spoke to his son Esau. So when Esau went to the field to hunt for game to bring home, Rebekah said to her son Jacob[ on a side note, how is one Ike’s son and the other Rebekah’s? Are the two not the parents of the twins?], “Behold, I heard your father speak to your brother Esau, saying, ‘Bring me some game and prepare a savory dish for me, that I may eat, and bless you in the presence of the Lord before my death.’ Now therefore, my son, listen to me as I command you. Go now to the flock and bring me two choice young goats from there, that I may prepare them as a savory dish for your father, such as he loves[ two goats for a single dish? please spare me!].

10 Then you shall bring it to your father, that he may eat, so that he may bless you before his death.” 11 Jacob answered his mother Rebekah, “Behold, Esau my brother is a hairy man and I am a smooth man. 12 Perhaps my father will feel me, then I will be as a deceiver in his sight, and I will bring upon myself a curse and not a blessing.” 13 But his mother said to him, “Your curse be on me[ women always taking blame], my son; only obey my voice, and go, get them for me.” 14 So he went and got them, and brought them to his mother; and his mother made savory food such as his father loved[ how long did this whole exercise take? Unless old Ike is also dumb, before Esau goes hunting, comes back, skins the animal and makes a savory bowl, it would be almost half a day. So did the scribes take this into account to make it plausible that when Jacob goes to see the father, enough time shall have passed?]. 15 Then Rebekah took the best garments of Esau her elder son, which were with her in the house, and put them on Jacob her younger son. 16 And she put the skins of the young goats on his hands and on the smooth part of his neck[ Are you telling me, Ike’s nose cannot detect the smell of raw meat or rather the blood on Jacob’s dressing?]. 17 She also gave the savory food and the bread, which she had made, to her son Jacob.

18 Then he came to his father and said, “My father.” And he said, “Here I am. Who are you, my son[ is it possible that old Ike cannot differentiate the voices of his sons? We can allow him to be blind but please, voices? I refuse to believe this!]?” 19 Jacob said to his father, “I am Esau your firstborn; I have done as you told me. Get up, please, sit and eat of my game, that you may bless me.” 20 Isaac said to his son, “How is it that you have it so quickly, my son?” And he said, “Because the Lord your God caused it to happen to me[ god has become partner to a crime. Do I hear any objections your honour?].” 21 Then Isaac said to Jacob, “Please come close, that I may feel you, my son, whether you are really my son Esau or not.” 22 So Jacob came close to Isaac his father, and he felt him and said, “The voice is the voice of Jacob, but the hands are the hands of Esau.” 23 He did not recognize him, because his hands were hairy like his brother Esau’s hands[ tell me, apart from being hairy, Esau’s skin must have felt like that of a goat, hard I mean or else how is it that old Ike doesn’t find the patchwork unreal!]; so he blessed him. 24 And he said, “Are you really my son Esau[he has done a body check and proffered blessings, the question is redundant at this point.]?” And he said, “I am.” 25 So he said, “Bring it to me, and I will eat of my son’s game, that I may bless you.” And he brought it to him, and he ate; he also brought him wine and he drank. 26 Then his father Isaac[is it necessary to say his father Isaac, isn’t this obvious?] said to him, “Please come close and kiss me, my son.” 27 So he came close and kissed him; and when he smelled the smell of his garments, he blessed him and said,

“See, the smell of my son
Is like the smell of a field which the Lord has blessed[really, not the smell of a freshly butchered goat? since that is what I would have smelt];
28 Now may God give you of the dew of heaven,
And of the fatness of the earth,
And an abundance of grain and new wine[ I love old Ike, wine is important if the kingdom is to be run well];
29 May peoples serve you[why should this be the case? Why not implore him to serve others?],
And nations bow down to you;
Be master of your brothers[hold it, who are the other brothers? I thought they were only two sons?],
And may your mother’s sons bow down to you[why promote such servitude?].
Cursed be those who curse you,
And blessed be those who bless you.”

The Stolen Blessing

30 Now it came about, as soon as Isaac had finished blessing Jacob,

Jacob supplants his brother Esau to receive blessings for old and blind Ike

and Jacob had hardly gone out from the presence of Isaac his father, that Esau his brother came in from his hunting. 31 Then he also made savory food, and brought it to his father; and he said to his father, “Let my father arise and eat of his son’s game, that you may bless me.” 32 Isaac his father said to him[I don’t get it! Was someone just trying to give Ike flesh? I don’t get the point why they have to repeat Ike his father, we already know!], “Who are you?” And he said, “I am your son, your firstborn, Esau.” 33 Then Isaac trembled violently[why should this be so? Is he short of blessings?], and said, “Who was he then that hunted game and brought it to me, so that I ate of all of it before you came, and blessed him? Yes, and he shall be blessed.34 When Esau heard the words of his father, he cried out with an exceedingly great and bitter cry, and said to his father, “Bless me, even me also, O my father!” 35 And he said, “Your brother came deceitfully and has taken away your blessing.” 36 Then he said, “Is he not rightly named Jacob, for he has supplanted me these two times? He took away my birthright[if i remember correctly, it was a fair exchange. You sold your birthright!], and behold, now he has taken away my blessing.” And he said, “Have you not reserved a blessing for me[did you just have one blessing?]?” 37 But Isaac replied to Esau, “Behold, I have made him your master, and all his relatives[without consultation? Old Ike by any means is autocratic!] I have given to him as servants; and with grain and new wine I have sustained him[and why should a blessing involve enslaving others?]. Now as for you then, what can I do, my son?” 38 Esau said to his father, “Do you have only one blessing, my father[ a honest question by Esau!, The old man should just go back to the bag of blessings and dish another one out!]? Bless me, even me also, O my father.” So Esau lifted his voice and wept.

39 Then Isaac his father answered and said to him,

“Behold, away from the fertility of the earth shall be your dwelling,
And away from the dew of heaven from above[ Why make it difficult for Jacob to have a simpler life? Why curse him? It ain’t his fault he came late! By any means, if Ike was short of blessings he should just have withdrawn the ones bestowed on Esau].
40 “By your sword you shall live,
And your brother you shall serve[ remember this verse folks, we may have to revisit it later];
But it shall come about when you become restless,
That you will break his yoke from your neck.”

41 So Esau bore a grudge against Jacob because of the blessing with which his father had blessed him; and Esau said to himself, “The days of mourning for my father are near; then I will kill my brother Jacob.” 42 Now when the words of her elder son Esau were reported to Rebekah, she sent and called her younger son Jacob, and said to him, “Behold your brother Esau is consoling himself concerning you by planning to kill you. 43 Now therefore, my son, obey my voice, and arise, flee to Haran, to my brother Laban![would not have been much easier for the mother to come clean on her part? Earlier she was ready to take responsibility, but I think if it involves death, nah, let it pass!] 44 Stay with him a few days, until your brother’s fury subsides, 45 until your brother’s anger against you subsides and he forgets what you did to him. Then I will send and get you from there. Why should I be bereaved of you both in one day[this statement implies impending death at least of Ike and a real threat to Jacob. We will see how many more bowls Ike had before he quit.]?”

46 Rebekah said to Isaac, “I am tired of living because of the daughters of Heth; if Jacob takes a wife from the daughters of Heth, like these, from the daughters of the land, what good will my life be to me[Abe’s progeny just like the old patriarch do not love their neighbors, why this is so not the point of this blog, but is for historians to address.]?”

Genesis 26

Isaac Settles in Gerar

Friends, here again we are presented with an incredible story of our fictitious character Isaac. As I had said in the previous chapter, this fellow is useless and like his father, pimps his wife in the pretext she is beautiful and he maybe killed for it. Now before you start hurling stones in my direction, why would the story of Ike be similar to that Abe from the point of meeting Abimelech unless it is the work of a fabricator trying to give a character flesh and failing badly!

26 Now there was a famine in the land, besides the previous famine that had occurred in the days of Abraham. So Isaac went to Gerar, to Abimelech [I need help here, how old was this guy when he became king? Abe pimped his wife/sister and is dead and burried and now 40+ old Isaac has paid him a visit too] king of the Philistines. The Lord appeared to him[Isaac] and said, “Do not go down to Egypt [I guess the Pharaoh wouldn’t have welcomed them knowing they are progeny of old Abe the pimp]; stay in the land of which I shall tell you. Sojourn in this land and I will be with you and bless you, for to you and to your descendants I will give all these lands, and I will establish the oath which I swore to your father Abraham. I will multiply your descendants as the stars of heaven, and will give your descendants all these lands; and by your descendants all the nations of the earth shall be blessed; because Abraham obeyed Me and kept My charge, My commandments, My statutes and My laws [If anyone has an inkling to what these statutes, laws and commandments are, please share your notes, I mean we are all learning something, aren’t we?].”

So Isaac lived in Gerar. When the men of the place asked about his wife, he said, “She is my sister/cousin,” for he was afraid to say, “my wife,” thinking, “the men of the place might kill [do people kill so easily? Were the men here so barbaric they would kill a man for having a wife! C’mon, give us something better!] me on account of Rebekah, for she is beautiful.” It came about, when he had been there a long time, that Abimelech king of the Philistines looked out through a window[he must have been on 2nd floor balcony with blinds drawn before], and saw, and behold, Isaac was caressing his wife Rebekah [must have been a case of public display of affection, cuddling in the park I guess]. Then Abimelech called Isaac and said, “Behold, certainly she is your wife! How then did you say, ‘She is my sister’?” And Isaac said to him, “Because I said, ‘I might die on account of her.’” 10 Abimelech said, “What is this you have done to us? One of the people might easily have lain with your wife [is it that easy? there’s no consent required?], and you would have brought guilt upon us.” 11 So Abimelech charged all the people, saying, “He who touches this man or his wife shall surely be put to death [There are two possibilities here, that either the scribe has taken the story of Abe and inserted Ike and Rebekah in place of Abe/ Sarah or this family is so alike in mannerisms or lack thereof!].”

12 Now Isaac sowed in that land and reaped in the same year a hundredfold. And the Lord blessed him, 13 and the man became rich, and continued to grow richer until he became very wealthy; 14 for he had possessions of flocks and herds and a great household, so that the Philistines envied him [Please tell me, how are the Philistines doing it wrong such that their land ain’t producing as much? Or is Abe’s god interfering in human affairs for selfish reasons?] . 15 Now all the wells which his father’s servants had dug in the days of Abraham his father, the Philistines stopped up by filling them with earth [why would anyone be filling up wells in an otherwise arid country? Somethings just don’t make sense]. 16 Then Abimelech said to Isaac, “Go away from us, for you are too powerful for us.” 17 And Isaac departed from there and camped in the valley of Gerar, and settled there [ think about it rationally just for once, yes just once, at the begining we are told Abimelech is king, so he must have some standing army and a territory, how then could a single family be so powerful for a king that he couldn’t throw them into some goulag?].

Quarrel over the Wells

18 Then Isaac dug again the wells of water which had been dug in the days of his father Abraham, for the Philistines had stopped them up after the death of Abraham; and he gave them the same names which his father had given them

Could this be the well Ike and group are fighting over

. 19 But when Isaac’s servants dug in the valley and found there a well of flowing water, 20 the herdsmen of Gerar quarreled with the herdsmen of Isaac, saying, “The water is ours!” So he named the well Esek, because they contended with him. 21 Then they dug another well, and they quarreled over it too, so he named it Sitnah. 22 He moved away from there and dug another well, and they did not quarrel over it; so he named it Rehoboth, for he said, “At last the Lord has made room for us, and we will be fruitful in the land [what i don’t follow her; he digs the wells and gives them the same names his daddy had given but we are still told he gave them other names. That aside, nowhere have I seen people filling up wells, I have heard of conflicts on available resources but not once have I heard a group of people, living in a desert for that matter fill up wells].”

23 Then he went up from there to Beersheba [you remember this place don’t you? Hagar roams here and Abe gives it a name later when it already has one]. 24 The Lord appeared to him the same night and said,

“I am the God of your father Abraham;
Do not fear, for I am with you.
I will bless you, and multiply your descendants,
For the sake of My servant Abraham [ For the last time, I insist and if anyone has dissenting opinion, that anyone who worships the Abrahamic god is deluded. He is Abe’s personal god and it’s even evident in his interactions with others. He says he is the god of Abe not the person’s god!].”

25 So he built an altar there and called upon the name of the Lord, and pitched his tent there; and there Isaac’s servants dug a well.

Covenant with Abimelech

26 Then Abimelech came to him from Gerar with his adviser Ahuzzath and Phicol the commander of his army. 27 Isaac said to them, “Why have you come to me, since you hate me and have sent me away from you?” 28 They said, “We see plainly that the Lord has been with you; so we said, ‘Let there now be an oath between us, even between you and us, and let us make a covenant with you, 29 that you will do us no harm, just as we have not touched you and have done to you nothing but good and have sent you away in peace. You are now the blessed of the Lord.’” 30 Then he made them a feast, and they ate and drank. 31 In the morning they arose early and exchanged oaths; then Isaac sent them away and they departed from him in peace. 32 Now it came about on the same day, that Isaac’s servants came in and told him about the well which they had dug, and said to him, “We have found water.” 33 So he called it Shibah; therefore the name of the city is Beersheba to this day[ this is the story of Abe, so nuff said].

34 When Esau was forty years old he married Judith the daughter of Beeri the Hittite, and Basemath the daughter of Elon the Hittite; 35 and they brought grief to Isaac and Rebekah[This last verse doesn’t fit unless it is to take Ike out of the picture!].