Rules regarding BBQ

When we last looked at Exodus, we had god giving instructions to Moses on how to build the altar and the tabernacle. I have the pleasure of informing you that the altar is complete, the mercy-seat has been built, the gold lamps adorned, the priestly garments made, Aaron and sons consecrated as priests. I may also care to mention that god is in a cloud sometimes he comes so the Israelites stay put, sometimes he goes away and it is this times they can walk. I will also mention that he guards the ark of the covenant with fire at night just in case there are sticky fingers.

We continue our journey into Leviticus and the first of the rulez regards BBq. Me thinks either the priests like the choicest bulls or gawd loves smell of bbq. Choose your pick.

1 Then the Lord called to Moses and spoke to him from the tent of meeting, saying,

Someone help me here, I missed the part where god is not omnipresent but stays in the tent.

 “Speak to the sons of Israel and say to them, ‘When any man of you brings an offering to the Lord, you shall bring your offering of animals from the herd or the flock.

Since the time of Moses, the priests have always wanted the best. I hear nowadays, since god no longer comes for bbq, they say it is for the work of the lord. Friends I think we should start a church.

 If his offering is a burnt offering from the herd, he shall offer it, a male without defect; he shall offer it at the doorway of the tent of meeting, that he may be accepted before the Lord. He shall lay his hand on the head of the burnt offering, that it may be accepted for him to make atonement on his behalf. He shall slay the young bull before the Lord; and Aaron’s sons the priests shall offer up the blood and sprinkle the blood around on the altar that is at the doorway of the tent of meeting. 

This place of meeting must have a horrid smell, with all the blood being sprinkled, I would not want to be within a mile radius of this place. There is no instruction of washing up apart from the entrails and legs of slaughtered animals.

He shall then skin the burnt offering and cut it into its pieces. The sons of Aaron the priest shall put fire on the altar and arrange wood on the fire. Then Aaron’s sons the priests shall arrange the pieces, the head and the suet over the wood which is on the fire that is on the altar. Its entrails, however, and its legs he shall wash with water. And the priest shall offer up in smoke all of it on the altar for a burnt offering, an offering by fire of a soothing aroma to the Lord.

Now if this god would extend this grace and come for a beer on a Friday evening, wouldn’t that be cool? I mean he has shown precedent that he loves the smell of bbq, maybe even a piece of choice steak so where is the problem of joining us for a beer? Just asking.

10 ‘But if his offering is from the flock, of the sheep or of the goats, for a burnt offering, he shall offer it a male without defect. 11 He shall slay it on the side of the altar northward before the Lord,………… And the priest shall offer all of it, and offer it up in smoke on the altar; it is a burnt offering, an offering by fire of a soothing aroma to the Lord.

Did they keep a compass in the tent to be used when it is a sheep offering, am just asking?

14 ‘But if his offering to the Lord is a burnt offering of birds, then he shall bring his offering from the turtle doves or from young pigeons. 15 The priest shall bring it to the altar, and wring off its head and offer it up in smoke on the altar; and its blood is to be drained out on the side of the altar. 16 He shall also take away its crop with its feathers and cast it beside the altar eastward, to the place of the ashes. 17 Then he shall tear it by its wings, but shall not sever it. And the priest shall offer it up in smoke on the altar on the wood which is on the fire; it is a burnt offering, an offering by fire of a soothing aroma to the Lord.

Don’t you think this was being cruel to birds? Wasn’t there an easier way of killing these birds am not saying they should have killed any animal as a scapegoat but since they are already at it, why not be humane at it? Have you been anywhere near a person trying to roast a bird with its feathers, the smell is unbearable and if this god loved the aroma, then I don’t know what it doesn’t like.

About makagutu

As Onyango Makagutu I am Kenyan, as far as I am a man, I am a citizen of the world

8 thoughts on “Rules regarding BBQ

  1. mixedupmeme says:

    All the gods must be invited for the Friday night beer drinking BBQ. No discrimination.


  2. john zande says:

    Damn, you were on fire for this one. Had me pissing myself laughing from beginning to end! Well done! 🙂


    • makagutu says:

      You know the last three chapters of Exodus were particularly boring, talking about garment sizes and what notes, this actually was a very interesting chapter. I mean with god coming down for bbq, things don’t get any better than that my friend!


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