No job for young men and women

As you are all aware by now some old man, by the name Ratzinger, has given notice to quit his job as the representative of Peter or should I say the Vicar of christ on earth. I don’t know the real job description of the work for the occupant of the office but I know a few qualifications which include but are not limited to having knowledge of pedophiles but shielding them from the short long arm of the law, must be old[80 would be appropriate], must think homosexuals have been sent by the devil himself, must nominally believe condoms are unnatural while being celibate is natural and to top it up must rely on smoke signals.

Before we go to the perks and who should apply, how do you abdicate the duty of being vicar of Christ? This must have been the most boring job on the planet, how with representing a guy who doesn’t give a bat shit to what you do! No answered messages and then no job appraisal to know you are performing above par. Am not discouraging you from applying, just saying 🙂

Pope mobile am not saying I like the car, but it comes with the job

The perks include a secretary who can sell your documents to the public, pope-mobile[bullet proof], gold-laced dresses are they robes, holiday every so often, you own the Vatican Bank so you really don’t need money, an apartment room facing St. Peter’s square, diplomatic passport, you get to kiss the ground of wherever you go to and also to decide who and how the several billion catholics should mate.

Papal residence

If you qualify[qualifications are covered in the first paragraph] and are interested in the above job, I will be collecting curriculum vitae for shortlisting. Women can also apply[ we are trying to modernise the church]. Knowlegde of spoken and written Latin will be an added advantage.

Only shortlisted candidates will be notified.

All the best in your applications.

It’s Aaron’s turn

In the last chapter, we had Aaron and Co being consecrated to do god’s work. You know this is the most paying job, you get the choicest meat but doesn’t have to keep cows, grow corn and so on. Here we have Aaron performing his first killing act, killing cows, goats and I don’t know what else.

Now it came about on the eighth day that Moses called Aaron and his sons and the elders of Israel;and he said to Aaron, “Take for yourself a calf, a bull, for a sin offering and a ram for a burnt offering, both without defect, and offer them before the Lord.

Who has sinned? Is it the bulls or the goats or is it Aaron and Co. I need help in knowing for whom this offering was offered. And why not just whip the guy?

Then to the sons of Israel you shall speak, saying, ‘Take a male goat for a sin offering, and a calf and a lamb, both one year old, without defect, for a burnt offering, and an ox and a ram for peace offerings, to sacrifice before the Lord, and a grain offering mixed with oil; for today the Lord will appear to you.’

If am a breeder, none of my cows, goats or sheep would be without defect. Who wants animals killed to appease a god who doesn’t have a cowshed?

So they took what Moses had commanded to the front of the tent of meeting, and the whole congregation came near and stood before the Lord. Moses said, “This is the thing which the Lord has commanded you to do, that the glory of the Lord may appear to you.” Moses then said to Aaron, “Come near to the altar and offer your sin offering and your burnt offering, that you may make atonement for yourself and for the people; then make the offering for the people, that you may make atonement for them, just as the Lord has commanded.”

These guys have just been living in the tent of meeting for the last 7 days since consecration. What are they seeking atonement for? I need help here.

So Aaron came near to the altar and slaughtered the calf of the sin offering which was for himself.Aaron’s sons presented the blood to him; and he dipped his finger in the blood and put some on the horns of the altar, and poured out the rest of the blood at the base of the altar.

I don’t like blood, this guys have a liking for blood which I don’t have.

10 The fat and the kidneys and the lobe of the liver of the sin offering, he then offered up in smoke on the altar just as the Lord had commanded Moses. 11 The flesh and the skin, however, he burned with fire outside the camp.

So god loves liver and kidneys, just the choicest parts. Skin eh, no no, doesn’t make good BBQ.

12 Then he slaughtered the burnt offering; and Aaron’s sons handed the blood to him and he sprinkled it around on the altar. 13 They handed the burnt offering to him in pieces, with the head, and he offered them up in smoke on the altar. 14 He also washed the entrails and the legs, and offered them up in smoke with the burnt offering on the altar.

There is a lot of smoke in this business. Any of you want to be a priest? Please say no 😀

15 Then he presented the people’s offering, and took the goat of the sin offering which was for the people, and slaughtered it and offered it for sin, like the first. 16 He also presented the burnt offering, and offered it according to the ordinance. 17 Next he presented the grain offering, and filled his hand with some of it and offered it up in smoke on the altar, besides the burnt offering of the morning.

Who was their mechanical engineer? With all this smoke, they need serious extractors and air flow. I can’t imagine how they managed to survive all this smoke.

18 Then he slaughtered the ox and the ram, the sacrifice of peace offerings which was for the people; and Aaron’s sons handed the blood to him and he sprinkled it around on the altar. 19 As for the portions of fat from the ox and from the ram, the fat tail, and the fat covering, and the kidneys and the lobe of the liver, 20 they now placed the portions of fat on the breasts; and he offered them up in smoke on the altar. 21 But the breasts and the right thigh Aaron presented as a wave offering before the Lord, just as Moses had commanded.

Were they already fighting? What did they need peace offerings for? How do you offer a wave offering? Does it mean god is chilling some place waiting to see Aaron’s or whoever is making the offering wave then he will come down and have a toast to BBQ, just asking?

22 Then Aaron lifted up his hands toward the people and blessed them, and he stepped down after making the sin offering and the burnt offering and the peace offerings. 23 Moses and Aaron went into the tent of meeting. When they came out and blessed the people, the glory of the Lord appeared to all the people.

Someone please tell me, how the glory of god should look like. You see I would want to know should this glory show up.

24 Then fire came out from before the Lord and consumed the burnt offering and the portions of fat on the altar; and when all the people saw it, they shouted and fell on their faces.

Did the lord show up after the glory or did he show up in the fire and why didn’t anyone present wait to describe the face of god. Don’t you think this guy would have contributed a great deal to humanity? I see why Muslims bend so many times in a day, they must see glory or fire of god five or is it seven times a day?

The priestly consecration

Friends, for a while now we have been busy looking at philosophy, morality and whatever else yours truly finds interesting. Today we will look at the good book from where we stopped. When we were last here, we looked at the priestly portion in offerings and why I really wanted to be a priest in my next life.

The lord commands Moses to consecrate Aaron and his sons, Aaron who you remember was the chief architect of the golden calf and also the chief executioner when Moses returned from wherever he had disappeared to, to the priestly family. This part of the book is really boring, and I don’t want to be accused of cherry picking so here is the story.

 He then placed the breastpiece on him, and in the breastpiece he put the Urim and the Thummim. He also placed the turban on his head, and on the turban, at its front, he placed the golden plate, the holy crown, just as the Lord had commanded Moses.

Seriously, Moses couldn’t you just tell god this business of turbans and breastpieces is for soldiers and has nothing to do with preaching.

10 Moses then took the anointing oil and anointed the tabernacle and all that was in it, and consecrated them. 11 He sprinkled some of it on the altar seven times and anointed the altar and all its utensils, and the basin and its stand, to consecrate them.

You see god needs cleans utensils for BBQ or why else would they consecrate bowls?

14 Then he brought the bull of the sin offering, and Aaron and his sons laid their hands on the head of the bull of the sin offering.

I wouldn’t want to be a bull 🙂 what with being offered as sin offering.

16 He also took all the fat that was on the entrails and the lobe of the liver, and the two kidneys and their fat; and Moses offered it up in smoke on the altar. 17 But the bull and its hide and its flesh and its refuse he burned in the fire outside the camp, just as the Lord had commanded Moses.

I would not be found within a mile radius of where this burning is taking place.

18 Then he presented the ram of the burnt offering, and Aaron and his sons laid their hands on the head of the ram. 19 Moses slaughtered it and sprinkled the blood around on the altar. 20 When he had cut the ram into its pieces, Moses offered up the head and the pieces and the suet in smoke.21 After he had washed the entrails and the legs with water, Moses offered up the whole ram in smoke on the altar. It was a burnt offering for a soothing aroma; it was an offering by fire to the Lord, just as the Lord had commanded Moses.

You remember god likes sweet aromas and lots of blood? Is this the reason why he created sheep and bulls to be slaughtered? This is quite wasteful if you ask me.

22 Then he presented the second ram, the ram of ordination, and Aaron and his sons laid their hands on the head of the ram. 23 Moses slaughtered it and took some of its blood and put it on the lobe of Aaron’s right ear, and on the thumb of his right hand and on the big toe of his right foot.

God has a sense of humour 🙂  Enough said!

24 He also had Aaron’s sons come near; and Moses put some of the blood on the lobe of their right ear, and on the thumb of their right hand and on the big toe of their right foot. Moses then sprinkled the rest of the blood around on the altar. 25 He took the fat, and the fat tail, and all the fat that was on the entrails, and the lobe of the liver and the two kidneys and their fat and the right thigh.

I wouldn’t wait for any of this. I know why I couldn’t make a priest.

26 From the basket of unleavened bread that was before the Lord, he took one unleavened cake and one cake of bread mixed with oil and one wafer, and placed them on the portions of fat and on the right thigh.27 He then put all these on the hands of Aaron and on the hands of his sons and presented them as a wave offering before the Lord.

I didn’t realise god likes waves as well. I will start asking my friends if they still offer wave offerings. I would need to see one being offered.

30 So Moses took some of the anointing oil and some of the blood which was on the altar and sprinkled it on Aaron, on his garments, on his sons, and on the garments of his sons with him; and he consecrated Aaron, his garments, and his sons, and the garments of his sons with him.

What is the point in having clean clothes if someone is going to sprinkle blood on them. Please someone clear the road, I need to run before someone messes my clothes. I have a date and no time or change of clothes.

31 Then Moses said to Aaron and to his sons, “Boil the flesh at the doorway of the tent of meeting, and eat it there together with the bread which is in the basket of the ordination offering, just as I commanded, saying, ‘Aaron and his sons shall eat it.’

I knew this part was coming. They always must eat, what would be the point in being a priest if you don’t eat the choicest meat. Show me a poor priest and I will show you a fool.

32 The remainder of the flesh and of the bread you shall burn in the fire. 33 You shall not go outside the doorway of the tent of meeting for seven days, until the day that the period of your ordination is fulfilled; for he will ordain you through seven days.

They had to finish the food before they left the tent or else someone may just have ideas 🙂

34 The Lord has commanded to do as has been done this day, to make atonement on your behalf. 35 At the doorway of the tent of meeting, moreover, you shall remain day and night for seven days and keep the charge of the Lord, so that you will not die, for so I have been commanded.”36 Thus Aaron and his sons did all the things which the Lord had commanded through Moses.

This is the first time since we started reading that we have a verse written in the first person narrative!