Chronicles of YHWH 3: Cain and Abel

One day, YHWH summoned Angel Gabriel to the High Table:

YHWH: “Gabriel, why have the angels congregated in the Eastern and Western wings of this palace? Is someone planning a coup?”

Gabriel: “No, Lord. Cain and Abel are offering their burnt sacrifices today. The angels on the Eastern Wing are collecting Cain’s smoke offering, and those on the Western Wing are collecting Abel’s smoke.”

YHWH: “Ah. I love the smoke of burnt offerings. Carry on, then.”

Gabriel: “I’ll bring the collected smoke to you as soon as they are done.”

YHWH: “Excellent. But wait. Why is Cain’s smoke darker than that of Abel?”

Gabriel: “Abel roasted a young goat. But Cain burnt a collection of herbs: hyacinth, pepper, broccoli, cannabis, and seaweed.”

YHWH (Stammering in surprise): “You… are… K..k..kidding. He what?!”

Gabriel: “The angels collecting Cain’s smoke have been sneezing since morning from the pepper smoke. Some are terribly sick from the broccoli smoke. And they all now seem a bit stoned from the cannabis.”

YHWH (Roaring): “Blow away Cain’s smoke from the palace, Gabriel! Right now! What is wrong with that idiot? Who offers pepper and broccoli as a burnt sacrifice? And tell the stoned angels to kill that crazy vibe about Zion and Babylon!”

 

N/B: For access to all anecdotes in this series, check out List of all “Chronicles of YHWH” notes.

Chronicles of YHWH 2: The Talking Snake

(Note: The “Chronicles of YHWH” series of posts are meant to be a light-hearted take on the bible stories)

One day, Angel Gabriel joined YHWH at the breakfast table:

Gabriel: “So I’ve been wondering, Lord: why did you chase away Lucifer from this heavenly Kingdom?”

YHWH: “Lucifer was initially a good musician. But he got corrupted, and started making forays into Dubstep and Reggae. I can’t stand either.”

Gabriel: “Okay. So why did you turn him into a talking snake?”

YHWH: “I like talking snakes. Besides, talking snakes can’t perform Dubstep or Reggae. They would look ridiculous. Ha ha.”

Gabriel: “Err… okay. But why did you put him in the same garden as Adam and Eve?”

YHWH: “Because I am very wise, and my ways are mysterious. LOL.”

Gabriel: “Well, the talking snake has convinced Adam and Eve to start wearing clothes. The two are no longer naked. So much for our daily shows.”

YHWH (Chocking on a slice of unleavened bread): “What! That is totally unacceptable! Cut off the legs of the crazy snake immediately! And prepare an eviction notice for Adam and Eve! I won’t have clothed people in my garden!”

 

N/B: For access to all anecdotes in this series, check out List of all “Chronicles of YHWH” notes.