Upon setting his eyes on a football game for the first time, YHWH consulted Angel Gabriel for an explanation:
YHWH: Why are those 22 men there chasing an inflated piece of cowhide? Is it a sort of ritual? Have they created another god besides me?
Gabriel: It’s a game. They call it football. One team wins, and another loses.
YHWH: Why are they cheering when the cowhide passes some lines on the ground? Are the lines magical?
Gabriel: The lines signify territories. If the ball passes particular lines, it means that one side has struck a goal against the other, which is a victory. Hence the cheers.
YHWH: What sorcery is that? Why don’t the men just take up spears and shields and maul each other to the ground, like real champions?
Gabriel: Most men nowadays consider violence to be uncivilized and archaic. They now engage in such sports as football for recreation and to release their pent up energies.
YHWH: This is an outrage. The men are going soft in their heads. Why, I’ve just seen one of them chase the cowhide to the end of the field, only for another one to run for it, and throw it right back into the field. And they all started running after it, once again. Are they bewitched?
Gabriel: They are following the rules of the game. There is a stipulated time during which the game has to keep going.
YHWH: So why are the fully clothed men on the benches admiring the scantily dressed men on the field? Are the men on the benches homosexual?
Gabriel: They are not admiring the men per se. Not in a sensual way. They are admiring the skills displayed on the field: the tackles, the fouls, the passes, the interceptions, the slants, the midfield game, the inevitable penalties, and the ultimate scoring of goals.
YHWH: What sorts of spoils go to the victors? Do they take land away from those who have lost the game? Do they get to take their women and livestock?
Gabriel: No, the victors simply celebrate their victory on the pitch and in the evening. Tomorrow is another day. Another match. Today’s losers might be tomorrow’s victors. It’s a dynamic arrangement.
YHWH: It sounds totally devoid of sense. And a little deranged.
N/B: For access to all anecdotes in this series, check out List of all “Chronicles of YHWH” notes.