Chronicles of YHWH 13: A Modern Ritual


Soccer

Upon setting his eyes on a football game for the first time, YHWH consulted Angel Gabriel for an explanation:
YHWH: Why are those 22 men there chasing an inflated piece of cowhide? Is it a sort of ritual? Have they created another god besides me?
Gabriel: It’s a game. They call it football. One team wins, and another loses.
YHWH: Why are they cheering when the cowhide passes some lines on the ground? Are the lines magical?
Gabriel: The lines signify territories. If the ball passes particular lines, it means that one side has struck a goal against the other, which is a victory. Hence the cheers.
YHWH: What sorcery is that? Why don’t the men just take up spears and shields and maul each other to the ground, like real champions?
Gabriel: Most men nowadays consider violence to be uncivilized and archaic. They now engage in such sports as football for recreation and to release their pent up energies.
YHWH: This is an outrage. The men are going soft in their heads. Why, I’ve just seen one of them chase the cowhide to the end of the field, only for another one to run for it, and throw it right back into the field. And they all started running after it, once again. Are they bewitched?
Gabriel: They are following the rules of the game. There is a stipulated time during which the game has to keep going.
YHWH: So why are the fully clothed men on the benches admiring the scantily dressed men on the field? Are the men on the benches homosexual?
Gabriel: They are not admiring the men per se. Not in a sensual way. They are admiring the skills displayed on the field: the tackles, the fouls, the passes, the interceptions, the slants, the midfield game, the inevitable penalties, and the ultimate scoring of goals.
YHWH: What sorts of spoils go to the victors? Do they take land away from those who have lost the game? Do they get to take their women and livestock?
Gabriel: No, the victors simply celebrate their victory on the pitch and in the evening. Tomorrow is another day. Another match. Today’s losers might be tomorrow’s victors. It’s a dynamic arrangement.
YHWH: It sounds totally devoid of sense. And a little deranged.

 

N/B: For access to all anecdotes in this series, check out List of all “Chronicles of YHWH” notes.

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About Joseph Wahome

Used to the quirky side of life: been there, done that, got burnt, got redeemed, sticking the neck out again, but this time, with some titanium necklaces.

20 thoughts on “Chronicles of YHWH 13: A Modern Ritual

  1. tildeb says:

    It wouldn’t surprise me if such a god had difficulty grasping the metaphorical underpinnings of any game play.

    And as Rams fan, I’m still reeling from the implications of Bradford’s season-ending injury. Obviously, there is no god.

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  2. mark says:

    Perhaps there once was a god that was infallible, omnipotent and omniscient but then someone tried to explain the offside rule in Football and he found its ways too mysterious.
    Most rival Football fans dislike each other with a passion sometimes bordering on hate, but in Scotland, Rangers and Celtic fans use Football as a chance to show how much they vehemently hate each others religion and are quite prepared to back it up with some extreme christian type violence.
    Thanks for the read, I enjoyed it.
    Mark

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    • Joseph Wahome says:

      Thank you too, Mark, for your insightful comments about how some people have managed to marry football and religion. I’ll research more on that.

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      • mark says:

        Hi, it seems that I commented without thinking about whether you would be familiar with Celtic and Rangers football clubs. Wikipedia has a brief but concise page about sectarianism in Glasgow involving the two clubs.
        http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sectarianism_in_Glasgow
        A lot of the violence in Glasgow can be linked and indeed is done a lot with the problems between Catholics and Protestants in Ireland but then it goes even deeper back to William Of Orange/ William III. Because of the connection with colour orange and Protestants there is supposed to be a link also to footballs teams that wear orange football strips such as Holland, which is where William of Orange was originally from. But I’m not totally sure if the colour connection is true.
        Actually your answer to my comment is now encouraging me to do some more research also because it is very interesting.
        Thanks for the spark.

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        • Joseph Wahome says:

          Thank you too, once again, for the Wikipedia link, Mark. I genuinely wasn’t aware of this strange sectarianism over there.

          Incidentally, I’ve recently taken a keen interest in Celtic music. I’ve realized that some of the most powerful music scores for major Hollywood films (Avatar, Titanic, Star Trek 2 and 3, and The Amazing Spider Man), have some Celtic elements. Could you provide me with examples of whom you personally consider the best Celtic contemporary musicians, and some of their choicest songs?

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  3. ratamacue0 says:

    Funny stuff.

    Typo: “another looses” should be “another loses”.

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  4. Sonel says:

    I must say, I agree with YHWH. πŸ˜† Around here it’s rugby. A few men running after a ball and when they get into a fight, the one would bite the other ones’ ear off .. and so on and so on. Quite pathetic I must say. Now, if the men were good looking, that would have been quite another matter. πŸ˜›

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