Chronicles of YHWH 15: Hee Haw

In the days of yore, on a particularly fine mid-morning, YHWH opened the mouth of Balaam’s donkey, and the donkey turned unto its master, and didst spake:

Donkey: Master, why are you whipping me so much today?

Balaam: Because you have made a mockery of me! You are refusing to go where I direct you. I should kill you right away!

Donkey: But master, have I ever defied you before today?

Balaam: No, you’ve never. But then again, you’ve never spoken to me before. OMG! HOW ARE YOU TALKING TO ME??

Donkey: I can see the angel of the lord ahead of us, but you apparently can’t.

Balaam (Hastily jumping off the donkey’s back): DONKEYS DON’T TALK!! STOP TALKING, DONKEY!!

Donkey: If I had advanced just one step further down this road, the lord’s angel would have killed you, master.

Balaam (Wide eyed): YOU ARE KILLING ME RIGHT NOW WITH FRIGHT!! STOP TALKING!! BE A NORMAL DONKEY, AND HEE HAW!!

Donkey: If you open your spiritual eyes, you’ll also see the angel of the lord, right in front of us.

Balaam: SAY, HEE HAW, HEE HAW, PLEASE!! LIKE A GOOD, ORIGINAL DONKEY!!

Donkey: The angel of the lord is approaching you now, master.

Balaam (Running away): HEE HAW, HEE HAW, HEE HAW, HEE HAW, HEE HAW, HEE HAW!!!

Up in the clouds, hidden from sight, YHWH laughed. And laughed. And laughed. For he had just made a donkey out of Balaam. An ass out of a man.

 

N/B: For access to all anecdotes in this series, check out List of all “Chronicles of YHWH” notes.