Chronicles of YHWH 30: Take Her Back

Take her back

Garden of Eden – three weeks after creation:

Adam: Take her back, Lord.

YHWH: Huh?

Adam: The woman. Take her back. Please.

YHWH: Why, what’s wrong?

Adam: She’s driving me nuts. I find it hard to believe that she’s flesh of my flesh, and bone of my bone.

YHWH: What exactly has been going on, Adam?

Adam: That’s part of the problem, Lord: I often have no idea what is going on. Except for the general knowledge that I’m somehow in a fight with her. A fight whose origin and nature I haven’t the vaguest clue.

YHWH: You need to communicate more openly with her. Show her kindness. Bring her the occasional flower from the field. I’ve provided you with hundreds of different flowers in the field for exactly this purpose.

Adam: I try, Lord. I really do. But the other day, out of the blue, she started counting my ribs, while muttering to herself.

YHWH: Counting your ribs?

Adam: Yeah. Said that she suspected that I had given you another rib to fabricate for me another woman.

YHWH: Whoa.

Adam. I know right? Nuts. Also, she’s formed a weird friendship with that talking snake. They are forever together, discussing fruits and trees. Why did you create a talking snake, by the way?

YHWH: One of my private jokes. I find it amusing.

Adam: I don’t. I think that the snake is up to no good.

YHWH: The snake is fine. Relax, Adam.

Adam: Yesterday, the woman asked me if her butt was big.

YHWH: Uh oh…

Adam: I said yes, and she exploded. Told me that I hated her. So I quickly corrected myself, and said no – that her butt was fine. But she almost tore my head off then. Called me a liar. I quickly run into the farm, and came back with pomegranates and loquats in a bid to make peace. The heat is still up.

YHWH: Listen, that question about her size doesn’t have a correct answer.

Adam: It doesn’t?

YHWH: No, it doesn’t. Never attempt to answer it, in future. Next time she raises it again, run away from her, and bring me a burnt sacrifice. I’ll hide you until she cools down and forgets that question.

Long pause.

Adam: I’m losing my mind. Please take her back.



N/B: For access to all anecdotes in this series, check out List of all “Chronicles of YHWH” notes.

About Joseph Wahome

Used to the quirky side of life: been there, done that, got burnt, got redeemed, sticking the neck out again, but this time, with some titanium necklaces.

26 thoughts on “Chronicles of YHWH 30: Take Her Back

  1. makagutu says:

    YHWH played a joke on Adam it seems


  2. Tish Farrell says:

    This is so funny. In fact it is brilliant. So many angles nailed in one brief exchange.


  3. john zande says:

    From Australia:


    • Joseph Wahome says:

      Hmmm – I didn’t quite catch the last few words from the gentleman, John. The words that followed this: “Yeah, but at least….”


      • john zande says:

        at least it takes the focus from your face.”

        It was a chocolate milk commercial in Australia in the early 90’s.


        • Joseph Wahome says:

          Ha ha. Hilarious. Australians have a unique way of pronouncing some words. I find it fascinating, though I sometimes don’t get some of the words. Thank you for this link, John. 🙂


      • archaeopteryx1 says:

        I was about to say the same thing, when John beat me to it. I wouldn’t claim I’m exactly fluent in Aussie, but I can ask where the bathroom is and most times understand the answer. Except that once, but I never talk about that.


  4. Ruth says:

    The question does, indeed, have a correct answer. It’s always “no, honey, you look beautiful”. It doesn’t matter if her butt is as big as the broad side of a barn.


    • Joseph Wahome says:

      Some ladies insist on getting a Boolean answer to the question, though. That is, either “Yes, it looks big” or “No, it is not big”. They know that the response “You look beautiful” is an attempt at escaping the question. So they press for Boolean response. Woe unto the man who succumbs to the pressure and provides any of those two answers.

      Thank you for passing by, Ruth. Your comments are much appreciated. More such anecdotes on the way. 🙂


  5. archaeopteryx1 says:

    I rarely compliment anyone’s comedic writing, preferring instead to delude myself into believing that I’m funnier – but YOU, sir, are a funny writer. A couple of places, you could use a little polish, but for imagination and overall wit, you’re over the top!


  6. shelldigger says:

    I think the honest answer, and we all know this to be true…”honey, it is a tad bigger than it used to be.”

    Woe to those who have the nads for speaking truthfully.


    • Joseph Wahome says:

      You dare state anything to do with it being even a tad bigger, and there will be a nuclear war on your hands, Shelldigger. It’s always better to run away when the question shows up. The come back with some chocolates and flowers. 🙂


      • shelldigger says:

        (Cue super hero music) “I am Living Dangerously Man!”

        You can be too! All you need is a few key phrases! Like these!!

        “Seriously, you are going to eat all of that?”

        “How many pairs of shoes do you need anyway?”

        “Is it that time of the month again already?”

        “Buckle up! Mom is driving.”

        “Fetch me a beer”

        “Maybe you should put on some makeup before we go out.”

        “Yes, that dress makes you look fat.”

        “When is our anniversary again?”

        “I remember when we met, oh wait that was Suzie nevermind.”

        “No, the scale is not broken.”

        “I was going to tell you something, but I forgot what it was.”

        “I don’t think the dryer shrunk the pants that much.”

        With just a few phrases like these you too can live Dangerously! There are some days we just need that extra little bit of kick! That adrenaline rush! That, I am a man and I’m going to make a stand moment.

        FINE PRINT: You should always have a backup plan. Make sure you can spend the night at a friends house. Or pack a tent, and some spare clothes in the car. Make sure you have car keys in your pocket, and a clear path to the door. If you are extremelylucky, it will only cost you a night on the couch. Be a Man!

        Liked by 1 person

        • archaeopteryx1 says:

          If you persist in living dangerously, and it happens that she does the cooking in the family, it might be wise to find a way of getting her to try the first bite of anything she prepares for you.

          Further, I think you may have left out of the back-up list, the number of a good divorce attorney.


          • archaeopteryx1 says:

            Further, I think you may have left out of the back-up list, the number of a good divorce attorney.

            Unless, of course, there’s something about living out of a cardboard box under a bridge somewhere particularly appealing —


          • shelldigger says:

            Eating your food unverified is all part of being living dangerously man!

            Actually I have never been one to try and live dangerously like this with the women that have been in my life, but I have had my moments. 🙂

            Sometime you open your mouth and the worst possible thing you could have said comes rolling out… Just so y’all know, I would not knowingly and maliciously behave in this manner, I was just being snarky for a moment, and dare I say…living dangerously. 🙂

            The reality is I am looking over my shoulder now to make sure the wife doesn’t walk by to see what I was snickering about.

            “Yes dear” and in some cases “nothing honey” is probably the two most important phrases a guy should know. That is Living Wisely Man.


      • archaeopteryx1 says:

        Then too, one is always faced with the possibility that she will turn, smile sweetly, glance down and purr, ”Honey, you have something that’s a tad smaller than it used to be….”


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