Garden of Eden – three weeks after creation:
Adam: Take her back, Lord.
Adam: The woman. Take her back. Please.
YHWH: Why, what’s wrong?
Adam: She’s driving me nuts. I find it hard to believe that she’s flesh of my flesh, and bone of my bone.
YHWH: What exactly has been going on, Adam?
Adam: That’s part of the problem, Lord: I often have no idea what is going on. Except for the general knowledge that I’m somehow in a fight with her. A fight whose origin and nature I haven’t the vaguest clue.
YHWH: You need to communicate more openly with her. Show her kindness. Bring her the occasional flower from the field. I’ve provided you with hundreds of different flowers in the field for exactly this purpose.
Adam: I try, Lord. I really do. But the other day, out of the blue, she started counting my ribs, while muttering to herself.
YHWH: Counting your ribs?
Adam: Yeah. Said that she suspected that I had given you another rib to fabricate for me another woman.
Adam. I know right? Nuts. Also, she’s formed a weird friendship with that talking snake. They are forever together, discussing fruits and trees. Why did you create a talking snake, by the way?
YHWH: One of my private jokes. I find it amusing.
Adam: I don’t. I think that the snake is up to no good.
YHWH: The snake is fine. Relax, Adam.
Adam: Yesterday, the woman asked me if her butt was big.
YHWH: Uh oh…
Adam: I said yes, and she exploded. Told me that I hated her. So I quickly corrected myself, and said no – that her butt was fine. But she almost tore my head off then. Called me a liar. I quickly run into the farm, and came back with pomegranates and loquats in a bid to make peace. The heat is still up.
YHWH: Listen, that question about her size doesn’t have a correct answer.
Adam: It doesn’t?
YHWH: No, it doesn’t. Never attempt to answer it, in future. Next time she raises it again, run away from her, and bring me a burnt sacrifice. I’ll hide you until she cools down and forgets that question.
Adam: I’m losing my mind. Please take her back.
YHWH: No. LOL.
N/B: For access to all anecdotes in this series, check out List of all “Chronicles of YHWH” notes.