Chronicles of YHWH 35: Jonah


Jonah

Angel Gabriel once approached YHWH with a troubled expression on his face. The following conversation took place:

 

Gabriel: Lord, I have a few questions about Jonah and the whale that I find puzzling.

YHWH: Ask away, Gabriel.

Gabriel: Well… for a start, how did Jonah fit the throat of the whale, yet whales notoriously eat only the smallest of plants and planktons, due to their small throats?

YHWH: Ah, that was easy. I enlarged the throat of the whale, temporarily. I went like: “Let the throat on that mammalian fish enlarge magically!” And it enlarged.

Gabriel: Hmmm. Okay. But how did Jonah survive in the belly of the fish for three days without suffocating?

YHWH: I made Jonah anaerobic, temporarily. I went like: “Let this geezer become anaerobic for the next three days, like yeast!” And he stopped breathing for the next three days.

Gabriel: Interesting. Still, how is it that the stomach acids in the whale’s belly didn’t digest Jonah, or at least burn his skin?

YHWH: That was a bit of a challenge, but I found a way around it too. I, the lord of hosts, gave Jonah a brand new skin – made of a certain thermoplastic polymer that I had just invented. This new skin was acid proof, and so he remained completely safe and sound there. I went like: “Let there be a skin covering Jonah consisting of polymerized ethylene and short-chain alpha-olefins!” And it happened.

Gabriel: Fascinating. And on the third day, you made the mammalian fish to vomit Jonah again.

YHWH: I totally did, Gabriel. I went like: “On the third day, right amongst the whale’s ambergris, let there be Jonah, safe, sound, and submissive!” And it came to be.

Gabriel: You are awesome, Lord!

YHWH: Ha ha. I know, right?

N/B: For access to all anecdotes in this series, check out List of all “Chronicles of YHWH” notes.

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About Joseph Wahome

Used to the quirky side of life: been there, done that, got burnt, got redeemed, sticking the neck out again, but this time, with some titanium necklaces.

8 thoughts on “Chronicles of YHWH 35: Jonah

  1. Alex Autin says:

    Well, that certainly explains it 😀

    Like

    • Joseph Wahome says:

      Ha ha. It certainly does, Alex. 🙂 Of course, anybody who could do this would have found it easier to simply teleport the guy to wherever he was supposed to go.

      Like

  2. aguywithoutboxers says:

    Thanks! I’ve always wondered about the gastric acids part. Now there’s scientific proof! LOL!

    Like

  3. Joseph Wahome says:

    The strange thing with whales is that they have four stomachs, just like a cow. Hard to tell which particular stomach was occupied by Jonah during this strange experience. 🙂

    Like

  4. makagutu says:

    Why disturb whales? This god could have achieved its ends without bothering whales. Could have spoken to the people of Nineve directly

    Like

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