it is a hot day in Nairobi, the temperatures are highs of 28 deg C. In the sweltering heat, a question occurred to me, it was a subject in the mind of the ancients. The question
is friendship possible between the sexes without sex?
Oscar Wilde wrote
Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.
I believe yes, but I must admit to being an old hound dog. Any females I might know casually, even though the topic of sex does not come up, I believe it lies unseen, unheard, unspoken, but definitely an underlying wisp of possibility that stays well tamed for the sake of social graces.
In other words, right time, right place, right circumstances, anything can happen.
I think most of us keep these options open whether we do it consciously, or unconsciously, and whether we know it or not. I am not looking, happily married and comfortable with who/where I am. But I am pretty sure us hound dogs are sizing each other up more than we would like to admit.
Granted there are sure to be situations out there where the notion of sex is not an issue, but I believe for many of us it is there. We just don’t admit it to ourselves.
LikeLike
My old friend, this leans to my very thinking on the same subject
LikeLike
Us old hound dogs tend to think alike 🙂
LikeLike
something about wisdom acquired with age eh
LikeLike
I’ve been good friends with straight guys, but often they seem to wish I was more. Alas, I’ve already fallen in love and have my mate. I’ve been friends with gay fellows too and of course the issue doesn’t exist. 🙂
LikeLike
I can relate with this
LikeLike
My wife is very sociable while I’m not. She has far more male friends (gay and straight) than I have friends in total. Gender has never been an issue when it comes to friends for either of us. In fact it’s irrelevant.
LikeLike
Interesting Barry
LikeLike
Definitely. Actually most of the friends I had in my life where female (and they where not girlfriends). My wife also has a lot of male friends (but not boyfriends). I think it is culture specific. I remember a discussion with an African (I forgot from which country) who thought it was impossible, and I know of German women who had African boyfriends and got into trouble because these boyfriends did not understand that they had male friends. If your culture prohibits it, it is impossible inside your culture, but here in Europe (at least middle- and northern) it is absolutely normal and wide spread. I find it totally natural. In German you would distinguish between “meine Freundin” (my girlfriend) and “eine Freundin von mir” (a (female) friend of mine). And also the male version of these expressions (“Mein Freund” and “ein Freund von mir”).
Maybe that was different in Oscar Wilde’s time, or it was a personal problem he had. Being a homosexual, he should not have had trouble with it at all, but probably the role scheme for women in those days made it impossible.
LikeLike
Wilde’s sexual orientation is debatable. While received wisdom seems to be that Wilde married to hide his homosexuality, and that was certainly what I had grown up believing, it is entirely possible that he found women attractive as well.
Which would lead to the even more peculiar question: can bisexuals truly be friends with anyone or are we always thinking of sex. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
that’s even a harder question.
LikeLike
Yes, I assure you bisexuals can be friends with both men and women, and not have sexual inclinations toward them. It’s more an issue of chemistry: if there ain’t none, there ain’t none. If there is some, then you have to either ignore it (if you’re married) or go for it if you’re available. We just have a wider pool of people to choose from, otherwise it’s no different from the other orientations.
LikeLike
I was just joking.
LikeLike
That’s fine. I’ll just consider it education for the conservative christians reading this blog, who no doubt think bisexuals are humping everyone who breathes.
LikeLike
Everyone needs a hobby —
LikeLike
🙂
LikeLike
Interesting perspective. I had not thought of it in the cultural dimension
LikeLike
Absolutely. Perhaps the question you should be asking — “is friendship possible between the sexes with sex.” :p
In all seriousness, I think it depends on the culture, “gender”, communication and maturity. Research on U.S. college students showed that male and female responses did differ on a few key items. Men were more likely to see sex and romantic potential in an opposite sex friend as a benefit. Women primarily saw it as a cost. As a result, men were also more likely than women to say that they had sex with an opposite sex friend (22% vs. 11%). ~ Psychology Today “Can Men and Women Be “Just Friends”?”
Scientific American states:
😉
LikeLike
Hahahaha. This
made me laugh
LikeLike
If my personal experience is any guide, then the answer to the question would be: Yes, friendship is possible between the sexes without sex.
LikeLiked by 1 person
which seems to be the majority view
LikeLiked by 1 person
I can’t help wondering about the context of Wilde’s quote.
As far as the possibility of friendship goes, I think it is entirely possible. Sexual attraction can get in the way, but only if you’re holding out hope for a romantic relationship that doesn’t occur. I think for a real friendship, there has to be a level of trust and honesty, so if you’re hiding an attraction or you are secretly hoping something happens, it’s hard to be friends.
I recall someone from high school. We went up to his room after school when his parents didn’t know we were there. They had a big old Victorian house with a back staircase. (What every teenage boy needs.) We smooched and fondled for a bit and the sort of stopped. Eventually we both admitted that we were that physically into each other. It was a little awkward. Then we became friends. We lost touch after high school.
I guess it really depends on the person. My closest friend is a man. Now, interestingly, he has noticed that he doesn’t get along well with heterosexual men, although he is definitely straight himself. All of his friends are women or gay men.
Having a sexual response to someone is different from wanting to have sex, which is yet again different from wanting a relationship.
I’m inclined to agree with Ladysighs.
LikeLike
I am inclined to agree with you
LikeLike
Maybe in the time Oscar Wilde lived, it wasn’t possible. But nowadays it is and even in my younger days it was. I had lots of male friends, straight and gay and we just hung out and had fun. 😀
Great post and question Mak. Have a great day my friend. ♥
LikeLike
we should organize a meeting with Oscar and tell him he was wrong
LikeLiked by 1 person
hahaha! We should. Should we have the seance at your home or mine? 😆
LikeLike
Yours after which we spend time watching vervets
LikeLiked by 1 person
Sounds like a plan. I’ll give you bananas and peanuts to give to them, but only if you promise not to eat it yourself. 😆
LikeLike
Peanuts I will give them,but I love bananas so I have to be full first
LikeLiked by 1 person
Okay monkey Mak. We’ll feed you first, then we’ll feed the Vervets. 😆
LikeLike
Bananas is like instant glucose. Energy on the go
LikeLiked by 1 person
Very healthy for sure. 😀
LikeLike
Oscar is wrong. There is no friendship between the sexes absent ‘the thought’ of sex and the ability to lie. The sexual attraction, I propose, is one of many introductory factors, but an essential one. Naturally, varying stages in life (infancy, childhood, teen, young adult, middle-age etc) but the sexual is always lurking, as a positive or negative jolt.
LikeLike
I agree with you. It is always lurking, maybe not actualized, but always there
LikeLike
It’s absolutely possible… it happens all the time in the gay world 😀
LikeLike
I believe you are right
LikeLike