The definitive list of those (lost) who are hell bound

Who ends up in Hell?

Many fundamentalist ‘Christians’ maintain that Hell is reserved for people who are immoral. Helpfully, they are able to narrow this down into a few specific types of people:

  • People who voted for Clinton, Obama, Biden, or any democratic president in history
  • Liberals
  • Communists
  • Liars (unless they are also elected Republicans)
  • Thieves
  • Murderers
  • People who are violent
  • People who question my constitutional right to bear arms under the second amendment
  • People who question my right to invade other countries so that we can find and remove their weapons from them
  • People who don’t live in the United States of America
  • Atheists
  • Agnostics
  • Catholics (according to protestants)
  • Protestants (according to Catholics)
  • Hypocrites
  • Pagans
  • Muslims
  • Critics of Israel
  • Jews
  • Hitler
  • People who believe that a vaccine is more effective than prayer
  • People who believe in evolution
  • People who believe the earth is more than six thousand years old
  • Christians who don’t take the Bible literally
  • People who disagree with my interpretation of an ancient Jewish manuscript written in a completely different time, culture, and context to my own
  • Christians who don’t own and read the King James Version of the Bible
  • Christians who go to a different church than me
  • Christians who believe in free will
  • People who have not asked Jesus into their heart of their own free will
  • People who have never heard about Jesus
  • People who believe that people who have never heard about Jesus will end up in heaven
  • People who don’t believe in Hell
  • Fornicators
  • Masturbators
  • Goats
  • Gymnasts
  • People who dance
  • People who engage in pre-marital hand-holding
  • Women who speak in church
  • Women who wear pants
  • Women who cause men to sin by wearing dresses that are too short
  • Men who wear dresses
  • Women who think they are men
  • Men who think they are women
  • Women who support men who think they are women
  • Men who support women who think are men
  • Men who like men
  • Women who like women
  • Men and women who affirm and support men who like men and women who like women
  • Adulterers (unless they are men)
  • Rapists (unless the rapist and their victim are married)
  • Drunkards
  • People who like rock music
  • People with tattoos
  • People who have read any of the Harry Potter books
  • People who watch horror movies
  • People who enjoy life
  • Witches
  • Fortune tellers (unless you call it a prophetic word from the Lord)]
  • People who gossip (unless it’s to collect prayer requests)
  • People who are greedy
  • People who are absurdly rich (unless they are a televangelist)
  • People who walk away from the evangelical church after three and a half decades
  • Dead people
  • People who see dead people
  • Cats
  • You

Hey, it’s because I love you that I am warning you that you’re going to end up in Hell if you don’t repent and start believing exactly the same things I do. In fact, you’re pretty darn lucky that I am so enlightened and can show you the error of your ways.

Don’t you feel better now that you’ve heard the ‘Good News’ of the Gospel?

I sure do!

In fact, I’m sure glad that I have faithfully administered my Christian duty by warning you about Hell.

Hallelujah

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