Chronicles of YHWH 39: Drunk Noah

Drunk Noah

 

The story goes that after the great flood, Noah made wine from his vineyard, got drunk from it, and shed all his clothes. He then run around and danced naked. YHWH spotted him, and got pissed off:

 

YHWH (In a thundering voice): NOAH! Wear some clothes, you idiot!

Noah (Running away, stark naked): No! I will not!

YHWH (Running after Noah): Come on, Noah. Out of the entire human race, I chose you as the most sane, and spared your life. Behave like a sane person.

Noah: I don’t wanna!

YHWH: I’ll curse you and your descendants to the 25th generation if you don’t wear some clothes right now, Noah!

Noah (Prancing around): Ha ha! The curses will wash off my naked, sweaty body!

YHWH: I regret saving you from the flood, Noah. I should have chosen a different family!

Noah (Rolling in a muddy puddle): Come, let’s roll in this mud together! I feel like a filthy swine right now, and I like it!

YHWH: You are such a filthy person, Noah.

Noah (Clapping muddy hands together): Yes! Yes! I am! Most filthy!

YHWH: Please wear your clothes. Your sons will see your shame if you don’t, Noah.

Noah (Jumping up and down): My shame is completely shameless! Look at it, dancing around as I jump! Dance, my gorgeous shame, Dance!

 

N/B: For access to all anecdotes in this series, check out List of all “Chronicles of YHWH” notes.

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List of all “Chronicles of YHWH” Anecdotes

N/B: This list has been formatted in a reverse chronological order. Click through the word “Link” in each to go to the specific anecdote.

39. Drunk Noah: Link. (20th April 2015)

38. Bread Breaker: Link. (6th April 2015)

37. Paternity: Link. (25th December 2014)

36. Happy Birthday, Yeshua: Link. (24th December 2014)

35. Jonah: Link. (15th December 2014)

34. Swine Gate – The Untold Story: Link. (12th December 2014)

33. Cup of Destiny: Link. (10th November 2014)

32. Rip One: Link. (6th November 2014)

31. Quotable quotes: Link. (26th October 2014)

30. Take her back: Link. (24th October 2014)

29. Tupac: Link (22nd October 2014)

28. A Metastable Figment: Link. (21st October 2014)

27. Chain Reaction: Link. (20th October 2014)

26. The Burning Bush: Link. (19th October 2014)

25. Isaac at Peniel: Link. (18th October 2014)

24. Earth-Sick: Link. (15th October 2014)

23. Sense of Humor: Link. (7th October 2014)

22. The Second Coming: Link. (5th October 2014)

21. The Ultimate Question: Link. (18th September 2014)

20. From Atop Mt. Sinai: Link. (16th September 2014)

19. Notifications: Link. (14th September 2014)

18. Dead Beat Dad: Link. (13th September 2014)

17. Tycho Monolith: Link. (11th September 2014)

16. M-Theory: Link. (10th September 2014)

15. Hee-Haw: Link. (8th September 2014)

14. Of Calabi-Yau Pathways: Link. (1st September 2014)

13. A Modern Ritual: Link. (25th August 2014)

12. The Diss: Link. (23rd August 2014)

11. Captain Big Storm: Link. (15th August 2014)

10. Flip ’em, Reverse ’em: Link. (10th August 2014)

9. A Wager on Job: Link (8th August 2014)

8. Warriors and Deities: Link. (6th August 2014)

7. The First Request: Link. (5th August 2014)

6. DTC01: Link (3rd August 2014)

5. Counting Ribs: Link. (2nd August 2014)

4. Proving YHWH’s Existence: Link. (2nd August 2014)

3. Cain and Abel: Link. (1st August 2014)

2. The Talking Snake: Link. (1st August 2014)

1. Of Unicorns and Fat Cows: Link. (31st July 2014)

 

Chronicles of YHWH 38: Bread Breaker

Bread Breaker

Behold, on the third day, Yeshua arose from the dead. And he caught up with two men walking towards Emmaus, and they looked at him, but didn’t recognize him. One of the men, Cleophas, noticed some faint familiarity, though.

Cleophas: You look familiar, man.

Yeshua: Yeah. I’m Yeshua. Have just resurrected. Howdy.

Cleophas: I’m trying to place your face and voice. I’m sure I’ve seen you somewhere.

Yeshua: Of course you’ve seen me, many times before. You’ve even fed on my magical loaves of bread and fish in the past. I’m Yeshua, after all. The resurrected one.

Cleophas: I could swear that I’ve even seen your walking style, numerous times before.

Yeshua: You are not listening to me. I’m Yeshua, the son of God. Back in business, after a lull of three days, during which I was dead.

Cleophas: Are you from Judea, man? Or Samaria? I regularly trade in those places, and we might have crossed paths in the streets in the past. Have you ever bought any of my beads?

Yeshua (Getting irritated): Listen, man! I’ve just told you that I’m Yeshua – the guy that got pinned up a tree some three days ago! Remember?

Cleophas: Just give me some time. I’m sure I’ll remember where we’ve met before. My memory rarely fails me. Or was it in Galilee? Did you attend the census there last year?

Yeshua (Exasperated): Alright, alright! Check this out, man. This will certainly jog your memory.

So Yeshua picked up some unleavened bread, and after blessing it, broke it. And immediately, Cleophas recognized him.

Cleophas: Whoa! You are Yeshua! The son of God!! Back from the dead! I would recognize that bread breaking move anywhere! It’s your signature move, Yeshua! The Left Hook Bread Breaking PowerSlam!

Yeshua rolled his eyes.

 

N/B: For access to all anecdotes in this series, check out List of all “Chronicles of YHWH” notes.

Dare to Dream 2 – Delta V

Dare to Dream 2 - Delta V

N/B: For a related note, see Dare to Dream 1

“Seeing the stars streaking past in such dizzying arrays… is simultaneously the most exhilarating and the most humbling experience… ever…”

Those were the standard sentiments from any Team Epsilon Cosmonaut, upon completing the first deep space round trip. In this simple sentiment, lay fundamental, paradigm-shifting feelings of pride and hope at just how far the explorers had come. From the days of the internal combustion engine, to the days of nuclear fission and, much later, to the days of cold nuclear fusion, space propulsion had always rent a palpable edge to us, the explorers. The need to explore the cosmos… to comprehend the vastness out there, had driven innovation into ever more efficient propulsion systems for deep space.

Ultimately, we hit upon the holy grail of propulsion: the anti-matter space engine. And with this innovation, we became, for all practical purposes, space gods.

The anti-matter space engine started off, quite surprisingly, as an offset of an even greater human endeavor – the search for the Higgs boson, also referred to as the God-particle. In the search for this boson, several gigantic particles colliders had been built, including the Tevatron, the Hadron, and the Clymedin collider. Each subsequent collider had boasted even larger particle loads, of which only a very small percentage was actually used in the final search for the Higgs boson. It was then that Team Gamma – the cosmology team preceding us – hit upon the idea of collecting antimatter byproducts from all those colliders.

Several monstrous Penning Traps were constructed on site for each of the particle colliders. The Penning traps operated by filtering out only antimatter particles – mostly positrons and anti-protons – and suspending them in vacuums so that that they didn’t interact with any normal matter. Magnetic and electric fields within the traps ensured that the antimatter remained in suspension, trapped by well synchronized axial and radial waves from the two fields. By combining the output from all the colliders, Team Gamma was able to harvest, reliably, approximately 100 Kilograms of antimatter every year.

Our cosmology team, team Epsilon, was credited with creating the anti-matter engine. This engine operated by allowing the antimatter, stored in smaller Penning traps within the space ships, to interact with normal matter. The matter-anti-matter annihilation that took place produced energy in excess of 300 times what any nuclear fusion system could produce, and more than 10 billion times what any chemical reaction could produce. Team Epsilon, in short, harnessed Einstein’s equation for mass and energy. The resultant, stratospheric fuel-thrust conversion ratio produced a specific-thrust enough to send a payload exceeding 900 TerraKgs round the entire Milk Way Galaxy on only 3 Kilograms of antimatter fuel.

In order to actually utilize the new propulsion system, there were some attendant costs. We had to bear up with extreme astro-dynamic stresses. In each mission, all cosmonauts aboard, and the rest of the payload, would become projectiles – sent at double-digit percentiles of C – the speed of light. The g forces involved were enormous and, like most of my colleagues, I fainted on several of the first such missions. But, as proven thousands of times before, the human body is highly versatile, and in due time, our bodies started adapting to the incredible g forces we were experiencing. In time, we came to bear as much as 15 g during the acceleration phase – forces that, to an untrained person, would certainly have been fatal.

Team Epsilon started its deep space explorations by aiming for a region of space known then as the Echi-Niche region – 2.1 Light years away from the solar system. We reached the region in 5 years earth time. Our chronographs, however, showed that only 3 years had passed aboard the ship – a testament to time dilation as we approached the speed of light in our transit. The Echi-Niche region proved to have exactly what we had hoped for – vast amounts of anti-matter deposits. We replenished our fuel within the Penning traps, and headed back home with the good news.

Within two decades of the first space mission propelled with antimatter, numerous other missions were undertaken by Team Epsilon. Some missions specifically targeted the Echi-Niche region, since it had quickly become clear that mining that deep-space deposit was cheaper than harvesting antimatter within the colliders on earth. But other missions targeted other deep space artifacts. We soon demystified dark matter and dark energy, for instance. We initiated a project to terraform Alpha-Centauri – one of our neighboring stars. And we even sent a probe to the center of the Milky Way galaxy. It’s still on transit, and its fuel reserves are more than enough for the journey.

….So many parsecs travelled… so many star systems flown by… and yet, so much more to be explored. Yes indeed, the universe is huge. So huge that, even with our best instruments, we can only catch, and fathom, a tiny, miniscule fraction of what actually lies in deep space. The actual volume explored during our space missions is even smaller – a microsphere of a micron of the universe. But we remain undeterred – remain focused on doing the best we can at exploring this near-infinite void. Whatever we shall accomplish, subsequent generations will build up on. But our mark, our legend… our footprints in space, will be discernible forever.

… Dare to dream…

Dare to Dream 1: Guile 6000

Dare to dream 1 - Guile 6000

“By Tao, it’s full of stars!”

So exclaimed the explorers, upon creating their first telescopes, and training them into the night sky. For they realized, for the very first time, just how vast, and glorious, and occupied, the cosmos truly was. So they named the visible, single-plane luminence “Via Lactea” – the Milky Way. And when, eons later, they built up the Tycho Monolith, and sent it onto the lunar surface, that same exclamation escaped their lips, as they peered deep into the gulfs of space – way beyond the Milky Way… even beyond the Virgo Supercluster – into the very edge of the universe. In this gusty exclamation, lay a fundamental, paradigm-shifting recognition of just how miniscule, how insignificant, and how utterly inconsequential, they truly were.

The realization was like a jolt that set them forth in a journey of exploration, discovery and innovation. It fuelled a deep, abysmal desire to conquer the wild space out there. They resolved to capture the very essence of deep space, and domesticate it. They resolved to shrink the very fabric of space, and make every last spatial frontier but a mere space jump away. And hence, day and night, month after month, they toiled away with their technology, evolving ever newer, swifter, more powerful, more efficient and, in due time, more intelligent machinery. Held forever in their minds was a dream – a vision to conquer the cosmos, make it docile… make it comprehensible.

Over time epochs corresponding to megaseconds, and then to gigaseconds, the explorers willed reality itself to catch up with their dreams. And, gradually, their efforts paid off.

There were the fundamentals to build up on. There were the computers – those binary stations whose computing capacities doubled every 18 months. Then there was the internet revolution – the interlinking of all computers to form a single, global network. And when the computers became intelligent, the global network became a global consciousness – a monstrous, silicon-based being whose capacities far exceeded the wildest dreams of the architects. This being, called GUILE 6000, could handle googols… even googolprexes, of calculations, while simultaneously manipulating decillions of applications around the globe. It comfortably took on the trillions-per-nanosecond of algorithms sent in from The Earth Simulator, the Cystorm Cores, the LHC Computing Grid, and the Blue Brain Neural Engines.

GUILE 6000 helped break the von-Neumann Bottleneck that had plagued all previous computers. Using its spare computational resources, it came up with an ingenious “Branch Predictor” data architecture that forever changed how algorithmic and logical circuits were perceived and handled. But this innovation, profound as it was, was by no means the last from GUILE 6000. There were many other similarly fundamental breakthroughs that GUILE 6000 came up with. It helped create a functional sequence for cryonic preservation – thus making the explorers literally immortal. It also helped pinpoint the exact mass of the Higgs Boson, thereby helping complete the Standard Model equation and, eventually, the Grand Unified Theory. From then on, the explorers became masters of the physical universe.

The explorers began to play around with the fundamental particles. They soon discovered how to transmute atoms of a specific element into a different element. And with this, they quickly created a surplus of all precious elements – Gold, Palladium, Rhodium, Iridium, Tellurium and Osmium – from atmospheric nitrogen. They also created a robust supply of radioactive material – radium, promethium, polonium and cesium – from lead. As their knowledge increased, they soon had adequate technology to literally produce any conceivable element, molecule or substance at will. From then on, natural resources were never a problem in their equations. From then on, they could fully concentrate on conquering deep space.

GUILE 6000 soon gave them other cheat codes for the universe.

Working day and night, the monstrous intelligence of GUILE 6000 spewed forth algorithms that defied relativistic limitations. It accomplished this by first demonstrating that Super-luminal flight was possible. Tachyons, before then perceived as but hypothetical particles, had their flights empirically documented. By emulating the exotic properties of Tachyons, super-luminal flight soon became possible even for the explorers. Then, GUILE 6000 spewed yet another algorithm that tunneled the very fabric of space. Every single location in space could thereafter be reached instantaneously by simply tunneling through to it.

At long last, the vision of the explorers had been achieved. Reality had finally caught up with their dreams. The cosmos, initially so intimidating, was now but putty in their hands – completely domesticated, completely malleable. No longer would the explorers feel threatened by the abyss of space. No longer would they freeze up with the indignation of insignificance under the night sky. Instead, the explorers had opened wide the very doors of the cosmos, making every single frontier accessible. They had calibrated and broken down the cosmos into mere data, and they could manipulate such data every which way. They became the Lords of the deep, bona fide masters of the cosmos…

…Dare to dream…

Chronicles of YHWH 37: Paternity

Paternity

Bethlehem, 2,014 years ago, in a certain cattle enclosure:

Joseph (Looking perplexed): Immaculate conception, huh.

Mary: Yes dear. Completely immaculate. The lord is great. I will praise his name forever.

Short pause. Joseph scratches his head, while looking at the new born baby.

Joseph: He looks slightly Chinese.

Mary: Well, he is supposed to be a saviour of the entire world. Perhaps Chinese are more acceptable worldwide. The lord is great, and his ways incomprehensible to us humans.

Joseph: Hmmm. Say, this angel who originally told you about your immaculate conception: was he Chinese?

Mary: No, he wasn’t. Look, what are you trying to drive at, Joseph?

Joseph: Nothing much. It’s just that, well, this is all a bit overwhelming. I wasn’t expecting our first baby to be Asian.

Mary: I know. The Lord of Hosts is quite overwhelming. But his ways are perfect, for the Lord is great. I will praise his name forever.

Joseph: There will be a lot of awkward questions from our friends and relatives.

Mary: You are over-thinking this whole thing, my dear. We should praise and worship the lord for giving us such a precious gift. Through us, the saviour of humankind has been born.

Joseph (Sighing): I suppose you are right.

All around the two new parents, the cattle chew cuds, and stomp their feet. A few burp. And Joseph continues to gaze at the new-born, a puzzled expression on his face.

Happy Festive Season, Everyone!

N/B: For access to all anecdotes in this series, check out List of all “Chronicles of YHWH” notes.

Chronicles of YHWH 36: Happy Birthday, Yeshua

Happy Birthday

Heaven, 24th December, 2014:

Yeshua: Dad, do we have to do this? Do we have to have a birthday party tomorrow?

YHWH: Yes! Absolutely! I’ll prepare extra manna for the angels and the four-headed beasts tomorrow. Take care of the unleavened bread and the wine, will you?

Yeshua: But dad, we throw the exact some party each year on this day. The exact same foods and wines, and the exact same birthday songs for me. It’s getting a tad boring.

YHWH: I know, son. I know.

Yeshua: Yet you absolutely resist any attempt to add spice and variety to the celebrations. Last year, Angel Bamanifa suggested new dance moves in the celebrations, and you promptly sent him to hell.

YHWH: Yes. This I did, my son.

Yeshua: Also, the birthday cake keeps getting bigger and bigger. Do we have to place all the 2,014 candles on its surface?

YHWH: Of course, son. That’s your present age, right?

Yeshua: But we can just put one candle there to stand in for the rest, symbolically.

YHWH: Look, son, you’ve absolutely refused to go out there and get your own house. You insist on living under my roof, even after two thousand years. The more you continue living with me, the more your birthday cake will get bigger, as we add more candles to it. Comprendes?

Yeshua (Crestfallen): Could we at least sing some new songs tomorrow?

YHWH: No! Singing the exact same old, boring songs is my peaceful way of protesting against your continued presence in my house.

 Merry Christmas, Everyone!!

N/B: For access to all anecdotes in this series, check out List of all “Chronicles of YHWH” notes.