Don’t take the bible literally

It’s just so and so stories

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On authenticity of the bible

Of the 66 books of the bible at least 50 are anonymous works or forgeries. To teach that these books are divine, and to accept them as such, denotes a degree of depravity on the one hand, and an amount of credulity on the other, that are not creditable to a moral and enlightened people. 

Says Remsburg J.

Bunyan on the other hand tells us

Every book of it, every chapter of it, every verse of it, every word of it, is the direct utterance of the most high.

I take sides with Remsburg. 

on what to do with tithe?

Should it be given to the priest or should it be spent as one pleases?

The writer of Deuteronomy thinks one should use it as they please (Deut 14:22-26)

22 “You shall tithe all the yield of your seed that comes from the field year by year. 23 And before the Lord your God, in the place that he will choose, to make his name dwell there, you shall eat the tithe of your grain, of your wine, and of your oil, and the firstborn of your herd and flock, that you may learn to fear the Lord your God always. 24 And if the way is too long for you, so that you are not able to carry the tithe, when the Lord your God blesses you, because the place is too far from you, which the Lord your God chooses, to set his name there, 25 then you shall turn it into money and bind up the money in your hand and go to the place that the Lord your God chooses 26 and spend the money for whatever you desire—oxen or sheep or wine or strong drink, whatever your appetite craves. And you shall eat there before the Lord your God and rejoice, you and your household.

or should you give it to the priest, as the priest has ordained it (Numbers 18:25-28)

25 And the Lord spoke to Moses, saying, 26 “Moreover, you shall speak and say to the Levites, ‘When you take from the people of Israel the tithe that I have given you from them for your inheritance, then you shall present a contribution from it to the Lord, a tithe of the tithe. 27 And your contribution shall be counted to you as though it were the grain of the threshing floor, and as the fullness of the winepress. 28 So you shall also present a contribution to the Lord from all your tithes, which you receive from the people of Israel. And from it you shall give the Lord’s contribution to Aaron the priest.

You know which one the pastor will be preaching the next Sunday, and the next and the next.

Chronicles of YHWH 35: Jonah

Jonah

Angel Gabriel once approached YHWH with a troubled expression on his face. The following conversation took place:

 

Gabriel: Lord, I have a few questions about Jonah and the whale that I find puzzling.

YHWH: Ask away, Gabriel.

Gabriel: Well… for a start, how did Jonah fit the throat of the whale, yet whales notoriously eat only the smallest of plants and planktons, due to their small throats?

YHWH: Ah, that was easy. I enlarged the throat of the whale, temporarily. I went like: “Let the throat on that mammalian fish enlarge magically!” And it enlarged.

Gabriel: Hmmm. Okay. But how did Jonah survive in the belly of the fish for three days without suffocating?

YHWH: I made Jonah anaerobic, temporarily. I went like: “Let this geezer become anaerobic for the next three days, like yeast!” And he stopped breathing for the next three days.

Gabriel: Interesting. Still, how is it that the stomach acids in the whale’s belly didn’t digest Jonah, or at least burn his skin?

YHWH: That was a bit of a challenge, but I found a way around it too. I, the lord of hosts, gave Jonah a brand new skin – made of a certain thermoplastic polymer that I had just invented. This new skin was acid proof, and so he remained completely safe and sound there. I went like: “Let there be a skin covering Jonah consisting of polymerized ethylene and short-chain alpha-olefins!” And it happened.

Gabriel: Fascinating. And on the third day, you made the mammalian fish to vomit Jonah again.

YHWH: I totally did, Gabriel. I went like: “On the third day, right amongst the whale’s ambergris, let there be Jonah, safe, sound, and submissive!” And it came to be.

Gabriel: You are awesome, Lord!

YHWH: Ha ha. I know, right?

N/B: For access to all anecdotes in this series, check out List of all “Chronicles of YHWH” notes.

Chronicles of YHWH 34: SwineGate – The Untold Story

Swine Gate

After Yeshua cast out the demons and sent them to the pigs, the pigs run into the sea, and drowned. A very upset man then run up to where Yeshua was, and the following conversation ensued:

 

Man: Those were my pigs, magic man. I want my pigs back.

Yeshua: Sorry man, but your pigs have all just died.

Man: You’ve just destroyed my entire life’s work. I have no earthly possessions now.

Yeshua: Look at it this way: there are unlimited treasures waiting for you in heaven. Just be patient and kind while on earth, and you’ll get your own mansion in heaven.

Man: I don’t care about riches beyond the grave, magic man! I want my pigs NOW! Bring them back!

Yeshua: No can do. The deed is done. Besides, even if I brought the pigs back, they would all be full of the demons I’ve just cast into them. You wouldn’t like them.

Man: Why did you cast the demons into the pigs, instead of sending them straight to hell? Why have you impoverished me like this?

Yeshua: The demons requested me to cast them into the pigs.

Man: But why did you oblige them in that request? Why did you value the needs of the demons over my own needs, as the owner of the pigs?

Yeshua: I’ve just told you: there’s a fabulous mansion waiting for you in heaven. Forget about the damn pigs!

Man: I want my pigs back! I want my pigs back!

Yeshua (To his disciples): Peter, Bartholomew, Simon: get this heathen away from my face.

N/B: For access to all anecdotes in this series, check out List of all “Chronicles of YHWH” notes.