public service announcement

First, on Tuesday 10th Dec, yours truly defended his thesis at the university. Now I can’t share the link to it yet because there are sections of it I am not very proud of and I need to correct.

And thanks to my friend Brian, here is a Christmas message we heathens can all get behind

A church in California has blasphemed the Christian message by displaying an installation showing the Holy Family as refugees. Predictably, there have been objections on the grounds that modern immigrants murder people, quite unlike the Saviour who committed genocide only in His heart. The installation is apparently based on a bizarre misreading of Matthew 25 xxxv, which finds Jesus bragging about the rewards awaiting those sheep who pay tithes to His church and the punishments awaiting those goats who do not. Far from “thank[ing] those who fed him when he was a hungry refugee fleeing Bethlehem”, Jesus preached a violently exclusionary form of fundamentalist Judaism and seems to have taken a certain pride in His Old Testament namesake’s conferring of refugee status upon the Canaanite dogs. Famously, Jesus’ earthly parents were warned to flee to Egypt in anticipation of King Herod’s precautionary massacre of Hebrew infants; in His infinite mercy, the Saviour’s Father in heaven did not see fit to warn any other parents, but sat complacently by while Herod did his worst. Possibly the Jews were being punished in advance for choosing Barabbas; or perhaps God simply had better things to do than worry about women who lacked the foresight to get themselves knocked up by the Holy Spirit.

Related to this, I recently saw a meme where a guy is asking if god could advise Joseph and clan to run away from Herod, who are you to think you can fight all battles. Sometimes you need to run away from your problems.

It’s that time of the year

When most people travel or buy gifts to share with relatives and friends, some of whom they don’t like the rest of the year and would rather not meet them, but they are honouring family traditions.

For the young women and men, especially in my village, there is always an auntie asking when you will introduce a significant other and shortly they will be asking about grandchildren.

And finally, there are the atheists, agnostics and many others in between who over the years have come to detest Christmas with all the lights and the ads, especially the ads. I am here to rescue all of you. You see, we have evidence I was born on 25th of Dec. We have no evidence for Jesus or was he Emmanuel. What this means therefore, is, you can, instead of buying gifts for that aunt you don’t like, you can buy me. You can also toast a bottle to my long days or something. Or you can as well call me.

And this, my dear friends, is how you must celebrate my birthday. I have the birth certificate to prove it, just in case one has any doubts. Any Christian who has doubts will have to come with Jesus’ birth certificate before they can see mine.

Chronicles of YHWH 37: Paternity

Paternity

Bethlehem, 2,014 years ago, in a certain cattle enclosure:

Joseph (Looking perplexed): Immaculate conception, huh.

Mary: Yes dear. Completely immaculate. The lord is great. I will praise his name forever.

Short pause. Joseph scratches his head, while looking at the new born baby.

Joseph: He looks slightly Chinese.

Mary: Well, he is supposed to be a saviour of the entire world. Perhaps Chinese are more acceptable worldwide. The lord is great, and his ways incomprehensible to us humans.

Joseph: Hmmm. Say, this angel who originally told you about your immaculate conception: was he Chinese?

Mary: No, he wasn’t. Look, what are you trying to drive at, Joseph?

Joseph: Nothing much. It’s just that, well, this is all a bit overwhelming. I wasn’t expecting our first baby to be Asian.

Mary: I know. The Lord of Hosts is quite overwhelming. But his ways are perfect, for the Lord is great. I will praise his name forever.

Joseph: There will be a lot of awkward questions from our friends and relatives.

Mary: You are over-thinking this whole thing, my dear. We should praise and worship the lord for giving us such a precious gift. Through us, the saviour of humankind has been born.

Joseph (Sighing): I suppose you are right.

All around the two new parents, the cattle chew cuds, and stomp their feet. A few burp. And Joseph continues to gaze at the new-born, a puzzled expression on his face.

Happy Festive Season, Everyone!

N/B: For access to all anecdotes in this series, check out List of all “Chronicles of YHWH” notes.

Chronicles of YHWH 36: Happy Birthday, Yeshua

Happy Birthday

Heaven, 24th December, 2014:

Yeshua: Dad, do we have to do this? Do we have to have a birthday party tomorrow?

YHWH: Yes! Absolutely! I’ll prepare extra manna for the angels and the four-headed beasts tomorrow. Take care of the unleavened bread and the wine, will you?

Yeshua: But dad, we throw the exact some party each year on this day. The exact same foods and wines, and the exact same birthday songs for me. It’s getting a tad boring.

YHWH: I know, son. I know.

Yeshua: Yet you absolutely resist any attempt to add spice and variety to the celebrations. Last year, Angel Bamanifa suggested new dance moves in the celebrations, and you promptly sent him to hell.

YHWH: Yes. This I did, my son.

Yeshua: Also, the birthday cake keeps getting bigger and bigger. Do we have to place all the 2,014 candles on its surface?

YHWH: Of course, son. That’s your present age, right?

Yeshua: But we can just put one candle there to stand in for the rest, symbolically.

YHWH: Look, son, you’ve absolutely refused to go out there and get your own house. You insist on living under my roof, even after two thousand years. The more you continue living with me, the more your birthday cake will get bigger, as we add more candles to it. Comprendes?

Yeshua (Crestfallen): Could we at least sing some new songs tomorrow?

YHWH: No! Singing the exact same old, boring songs is my peaceful way of protesting against your continued presence in my house.

 Merry Christmas, Everyone!!

N/B: For access to all anecdotes in this series, check out List of all “Chronicles of YHWH” notes.