My vision for Nairobi Metropolis

This is an open letter to the Governor of Nairobi, Dr Evans Kidero.

1. Building approvals

Dr. Kidero, as the governor of Nairobi County, I guess you are the boss of everyone at City Hall. There is a department that deals with development control. The first thing you ought to do is to disband it as currently constituted since it is inefficient. The new team should comprise architects and a new rule should be introduced that for every development that approval is being sought, the architect must make a presentation to the new team and knowing architects, no building will be approved and this will go along way in ridding the city of ugly buildings.

2. City council askaris [guards]

Please for the sake of all of us and for love of the city have all these guys fired. This is the one group of people second only to prison warders who have decided their brains are to be used as a shelter for rain and not for thinking. In the place of the current lot, employ university graduates in sociology, anthropology and music and train them in security and PR,  and maybe just maybe the face of CCN security apparatus may change. I am hoping university graduates are able to reason though I can’t say this of all them.

3. Revenue

The first thing you ought to do is to form Nairobi Revenue Authority and give them a mandate to collect taxes from anything that makes money and churches will be a good place to start. Forget about 24 hour economy, we are doing alright with 18 hours economy, the thing to do is to convince the MPs within the county to mobilize their fellows to repeal Muthutho Law, that way we will drink till morning and improve the economy. Related to this please do write a letter in your capacity as governor to EABL to reduce the cost of beer, this will go along way in making the economy grow.

4. Public transport

I don’t like the 14 seater contraptions we have on the roads. They are a nuisance and fill our roads leading to endless traffic. Encourage the city to invest in mass transit buses, have a central control and ensure the parking fees in town are so high to discourage people from using personal cars in the city. They pollute the air and cause traffic jams, I know you have seen this from your corner office.

5. Slums 

I know there must be a statute that allows the government to forcefully posses any land for the public good. Ensure that for every development approved in the upmarket areas, the developer must build a block of flats in the slums. This way we will eliminate slums and at the same time improve the housing conditions in Nairobi.

6. Unemployment

You don’t want your county to be ranked as one with the highest unemployment record in the country. To this end, have a team do a door to door inspection of residential areas. Those who are unemployed should be deported to their counties, that way they will not put a strain on the limited resources we have in Nairobi and you will have a good name.

7. Bhang and CSW

You should make Nairobi the bhangi capital of East Africa. By doing this we will attract revenue as there will be people coming from all over to visit our marijuana shops and they will sleep in our hotels, buy from our shops and this will contribute to the revenue of the county. In line with this, Koinange Street should be a fully fledged redlight district. The pastors will make noise but ignore them, they have more sex than anyone else. By doing this you will contribute to the Nairobi economy since as you well know, the services of CSWs are sought by the high and mighty as well as the low.

8. Flag and security detail

Please join the other governors in demanding to fly the flag, have a standard and outriders. This way there will be no difference between governor and president and in future we will not need presidents. The governors will elect one of their own to rule for a year on a rotating basis and this way no one will rig and then we can remove that clause in the constitution concerning presidential petitions. I say this because I have no trust at all at the courts to make any sensible ruling on anything and I hope me and you share this feeling.

9. Prisons

The prisons in Nairobi are overpopulated by petty offenders and I don’t think you desire this. Now you can write to the illegitimate president that we have and ask him to release all the petty offenders. They can be involved in community work or be let to go free. The only people who should remain are those who need to be monitored closely such as serial rapists, murderers and such who pose a risk to themselves and the society at large. When doing this ensure the prison warders are employed from the best of the society, people who can help in the rehabilitation of criminals not those who will make them turn out worse than they already are.

10. Housing

I don’t like the current housing costs. I can’t work just to pay rent. Use your powers to ensure the supply of good housing beats the demand for the same. This way rent will go down and I can live closer to work and drink more of my money.

I will add to this list when I can think of something else to add.

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