And for some humor 

I know we have been discussing some very heavy topics lately, so it wis that in mind that I present you with Obama the Marxist and foreigner president

 

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Chronicles of YHWH 32: Rip One

Rip One

In the beginning, there was darkness all over. And water. YHWH used to swim in the darkness with his angels, subsisting on manna soaked in the water around. At one time, though, this diet gave Angel Gabriel a stomach upset, and he started farting in the darkness.

 

YHWH: Wha… who is that?

Gabriel: It is I, Lord. Angel Gabriel, your faithful servant.

YHWH: Stop farting, Gabriel. You are making the waters around acidic.

Gabriel: Sorry about that. I’ll stop.

 

Brief silence.

 

YHWH: You’ve just farted again. What is wrong with you?

Gabriel: I’m sorry. I’m not sure what’s happening. I think some of the manna is going bad in all this water around. And I can’t see anything, so can’t determine which manna is good, and which is not.

YHWH: You need to hold your farts in. Squeeze the dime.

Gabriel: Will do.

 

Brief silence.

 

YHWH: Dammit, Gabriel! You’ve just let loose yet another one! Are you trying to put us all under siege with your gases? I can hear the other angels swimming away from us now!

Gabriel: I’m really, really, terribly sorry, Lord. That last one sneaked out against my best efforts to contain it.

YHWH: It sounded like a thousand trumpets!

Gabriel: Perhaps if we had some light around, I could swim further away from the rest of you until my stomach settles down again.

YHWH: Fine. I’ll create some light.

 

And hence YHWH proclaimed, in a loud, booming voice: “Let there be light!”

 

N/B: For access to all anecdotes in this series, check out List of all “Chronicles of YHWH” notes.

Chronicles of YHWH 7: The First Request

Here’s how Adam formulated the first “request”:

Adam: “Hey Eve. I’d like to have my Pegasus foraging in your rose garden.”

Eve: “Say what?”

Adam: “I’d like to shepherd a thousand little pandas through your valley of the shadows.”

Eve: “What are you yapping about?”

Adam: “In short, I’d like to motorboat your bazoongas. Right here. Right now.”

Eve (Blushing): “Oh, you savage beast. Come here, and know me.”

YHWH (Bewildered): “Wait. What?”

 

N/B: For access to all anecdotes in this series, check out List of all “Chronicles of YHWH” notes.

Chronicles of YHWH 5: Counting Ribs

Eve: “Come here, Adam. I want to count your ribs”.

Adam: “Wait. What?”

Eve: “You heard me. You were deeply asleep in the afternoon today. I saw you.”

Adam: “Uhh… what has my sleep got to do with my ribs?”

Eve: “The last time you fell into a deep sleep, YHWH created me from one of your ribs, remember?”

Adam: “Yeah but… I still don’t see…”

Eve: “Why did you fall asleep today in the afternoon? Are you trying to get another woman?”

Adam: “Uhh…”

Eve: “I’m I getting fat? Is that it? How many ribs did you give out today, you pig? How many women are you planning to have, besides me?!”

 

N/B: For access to all anecdotes in this series, check out List of all “Chronicles of YHWH” notes.

Chronicles of YHWH 4: Proving YHWH’s Existence

At one time, after listening to various freethinkers on earth, YHWH became worried. His very existence was being questioned. So he consulted his chief strategist, Angel Gabriel:

YHWH: “Gabriel, after listening to those atheists down there, I’m beginning to doubt my own existence. It’s weird. Something must be done.”

 Gabriel: “Well, you can manifest your powers on earth in such a way that no one will doubt your existence anymore.”

 YHWH: “Ah – excellent suggestion. I’ll go down there and beat their strongest warrior into a pulp. That will show them.”

 Gabriel: “I wouldn’t do that. Last time you tried that with Jacob, he beat you up for an entire night, even after you magically broke his hip. You ended up surrendering.”

 YHWH (Fuming): “Remind me of that night again, and I’ll turn you into a pillar of salt, Gabriel.”

 Gabriel: “Sorry. Say, what if you went down there, and blew everyone’s mind with your magic tricks?”

 YWHW: “Hey, I can do that! Tell you what, I’ll transform myself into a fertilized egg, enter the womb of a virgin, and get born in a cattle boma. Then, when I reach 33 years, I’ll let the people beat me up and kill me, and… wait for it… RESURRECT after three days! Ha ha! That will show them.”

Gabriel: “Uh… okay. You know best, Lord.”

 

N/B: For access to all anecdotes in this series, check out List of all “Chronicles of YHWH” notes.

 

Chronicles of YHWH 3: Cain and Abel

One day, YHWH summoned Angel Gabriel to the High Table:

YHWH: “Gabriel, why have the angels congregated in the Eastern and Western wings of this palace? Is someone planning a coup?”

Gabriel: “No, Lord. Cain and Abel are offering their burnt sacrifices today. The angels on the Eastern Wing are collecting Cain’s smoke offering, and those on the Western Wing are collecting Abel’s smoke.”

YHWH: “Ah. I love the smoke of burnt offerings. Carry on, then.”

Gabriel: “I’ll bring the collected smoke to you as soon as they are done.”

YHWH: “Excellent. But wait. Why is Cain’s smoke darker than that of Abel?”

Gabriel: “Abel roasted a young goat. But Cain burnt a collection of herbs: hyacinth, pepper, broccoli, cannabis, and seaweed.”

YHWH (Stammering in surprise): “You… are… K..k..kidding. He what?!”

Gabriel: “The angels collecting Cain’s smoke have been sneezing since morning from the pepper smoke. Some are terribly sick from the broccoli smoke. And they all now seem a bit stoned from the cannabis.”

YHWH (Roaring): “Blow away Cain’s smoke from the palace, Gabriel! Right now! What is wrong with that idiot? Who offers pepper and broccoli as a burnt sacrifice? And tell the stoned angels to kill that crazy vibe about Zion and Babylon!”

 

N/B: For access to all anecdotes in this series, check out List of all “Chronicles of YHWH” notes.

Chronicles of YHWH 2: The Talking Snake

(Note: The “Chronicles of YHWH” series of posts are meant to be a light-hearted take on the bible stories)

One day, Angel Gabriel joined YHWH at the breakfast table:

Gabriel: “So I’ve been wondering, Lord: why did you chase away Lucifer from this heavenly Kingdom?”

YHWH: “Lucifer was initially a good musician. But he got corrupted, and started making forays into Dubstep and Reggae. I can’t stand either.”

Gabriel: “Okay. So why did you turn him into a talking snake?”

YHWH: “I like talking snakes. Besides, talking snakes can’t perform Dubstep or Reggae. They would look ridiculous. Ha ha.”

Gabriel: “Err… okay. But why did you put him in the same garden as Adam and Eve?”

YHWH: “Because I am very wise, and my ways are mysterious. LOL.”

Gabriel: “Well, the talking snake has convinced Adam and Eve to start wearing clothes. The two are no longer naked. So much for our daily shows.”

YHWH (Chocking on a slice of unleavened bread): “What! That is totally unacceptable! Cut off the legs of the crazy snake immediately! And prepare an eviction notice for Adam and Eve! I won’t have clothed people in my garden!”

 

N/B: For access to all anecdotes in this series, check out List of all “Chronicles of YHWH” notes.