On homosexuality as abomination (Leviticus 18:22)

This piece below is not my own work but I couldn’t help but share it. It is what we call brilliant.

Laura Schlesinger a radio host who herself waxes and wanes in and out of Orthodox Judaism. “Agnosticism is to orthodoxy what a wild bull is to a China shop.” This letter is a testament to the above statement.
In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.
The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet. It’s funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination … End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God’s Laws and how to follow them.
Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?
I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of Menstrual uncleanliness – Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.
When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord – Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?
A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this? Are there ‘degrees’ of abomination?
Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?
Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I’m confident you can help.
Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.
Your adoring fan.

James M. Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus, Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education University of Virginia (It would be a damn shame if we couldn’t own a Canadian)

Reasons why I want to be a priest

No, I have never tried burning flour so I don’t know how it smells.

2 ‘Now when anyone presents a grain offering as an offering to the Lord, his offering shall be of fine flour, and he shall pour oil on it and put frankincense on it. He shall then bring it to Aaron’s sons the priests; and shall take from it his handful of its fine flour and of its oil with all of its frankincense. And the priest shall offer it up in smoke as its memorial portion on the altar, an offering by fire of a soothing aroma to the Lord. The remainder of the grain offering belongs to Aaron and his sons: a thing most holy, of the offerings to the Lord by fire.

Interesting god doesn’t discriminate on the smells, anything goes so long as there is frankincense. Who would not want to be a priest if you get fine grade flour without having to work. All you need to do is to claim to mediate between people and god then you are assured of square meals. Am joining priesthood.

‘Now when you bring an offering of a grain offering baked in an oven, it shall be unleavened cakes of fine flour mixed with oil, or unleavened wafers spread with oil. If your offering is a grain offering made on the griddle, it shall be of fine flour, unleavened, mixed with oil; you shall break it into bits and pour oil on it; it is a grain offering. Now if your offering is a grain offering made in a pan, it shall be made of fine flour with oil. When you bring in the grain offering which is made of these things to the Lord, it shall be presented to the priest and he shall bring it to the altar. The priest then shall take up from the grain offering its memorial portion, and shall offer it up in smoke on the altar as an offering by fire of a soothing aroma to the Lord. 10 The remainder of the grain offering belongs to Aaron and his sons: a thing most holy of the offerings to the Lord by fire.

What was the problem, was there a shortage of yeast or was it a lack of storage facilities? I need help here, anyone knows how the memorial portion of the grain could have looked? How would one tell this the memorial portion or was this knowledge only in the reserve of the priests?

11 ‘No grain offering, which you bring to the Lord, shall be made with leaven, for you shall not offer up in smoke any leaven or any honey as an offering by fire to the Lord. 12 As an offering of first fruits you shall bring them to the Lord, but they shall not ascend for a soothing aroma on the altar.13 Every grain offering of yours, moreover, you shall season with salt, so that the salt of the covenant of your God shall not be lacking from your grain offering; with all your offerings you shall offer salt.

I missed the memo on salt. And I find it peculiar the priests then didn’t like honey, I guess it was so readily available there was nothing special about it. Any student of archaeology here, please weigh in here on what could have been the crops and agricultural produce of these goat herders. Thank you

14 ‘Also if you bring a grain offering of early ripened things to the Lord, you shall bring fresh heads of grain roasted in the fire, grits of new growth, for the grain offering of your early ripened things. 15 You shall then put oil on it and lay incense on it; it is a grain offering. 16 The priest shall offer up in smoke its memorial portion, part of its grits and its oil with all its incense as an offering by fire to the Lord.

Am going to try to roast some green maize with frankincense and will report back here some day how it smells. I need to savour the aroma as god did whenever the priests made their offering.

On other news, who else is joining me in priesthood unless these rules have changed then I’d rather keep my day job. I have an idea though, we have to go back to following the word of god and so people must bring their best offerings. I will be announcing vacancies for assistant pastors and an accountant soon.

Rules regarding BBQ

When we last looked at Exodus, we had god giving instructions to Moses on how to build the altar and the tabernacle. I have the pleasure of informing you that the altar is complete, the mercy-seat has been built, the gold lamps adorned, the priestly garments made, Aaron and sons consecrated as priests. I may also care to mention that god is in a cloud sometimes he comes so the Israelites stay put, sometimes he goes away and it is this times they can walk. I will also mention that he guards the ark of the covenant with fire at night just in case there are sticky fingers.

We continue our journey into Leviticus and the first of the rulez regards BBq. Me thinks either the priests like the choicest bulls or gawd loves smell of bbq. Choose your pick.

1 Then the Lord called to Moses and spoke to him from the tent of meeting, saying,

Someone help me here, I missed the part where god is not omnipresent but stays in the tent.

 “Speak to the sons of Israel and say to them, ‘When any man of you brings an offering to the Lord, you shall bring your offering of animals from the herd or the flock.

Since the time of Moses, the priests have always wanted the best. I hear nowadays, since god no longer comes for bbq, they say it is for the work of the lord. Friends I think we should start a church.

 If his offering is a burnt offering from the herd, he shall offer it, a male without defect; he shall offer it at the doorway of the tent of meeting, that he may be accepted before the Lord. He shall lay his hand on the head of the burnt offering, that it may be accepted for him to make atonement on his behalf. He shall slay the young bull before the Lord; and Aaron’s sons the priests shall offer up the blood and sprinkle the blood around on the altar that is at the doorway of the tent of meeting. 

This place of meeting must have a horrid smell, with all the blood being sprinkled, I would not want to be within a mile radius of this place. There is no instruction of washing up apart from the entrails and legs of slaughtered animals.

He shall then skin the burnt offering and cut it into its pieces. The sons of Aaron the priest shall put fire on the altar and arrange wood on the fire. Then Aaron’s sons the priests shall arrange the pieces, the head and the suet over the wood which is on the fire that is on the altar. Its entrails, however, and its legs he shall wash with water. And the priest shall offer up in smoke all of it on the altar for a burnt offering, an offering by fire of a soothing aroma to the Lord.

Now if this god would extend this grace and come for a beer on a Friday evening, wouldn’t that be cool? I mean he has shown precedent that he loves the smell of bbq, maybe even a piece of choice steak so where is the problem of joining us for a beer? Just asking.

10 ‘But if his offering is from the flock, of the sheep or of the goats, for a burnt offering, he shall offer it a male without defect. 11 He shall slay it on the side of the altar northward before the Lord,………… And the priest shall offer all of it, and offer it up in smoke on the altar; it is a burnt offering, an offering by fire of a soothing aroma to the Lord.

Did they keep a compass in the tent to be used when it is a sheep offering, am just asking?

14 ‘But if his offering to the Lord is a burnt offering of birds, then he shall bring his offering from the turtle doves or from young pigeons. 15 The priest shall bring it to the altar, and wring off its head and offer it up in smoke on the altar; and its blood is to be drained out on the side of the altar. 16 He shall also take away its crop with its feathers and cast it beside the altar eastward, to the place of the ashes. 17 Then he shall tear it by its wings, but shall not sever it. And the priest shall offer it up in smoke on the altar on the wood which is on the fire; it is a burnt offering, an offering by fire of a soothing aroma to the Lord.

Don’t you think this was being cruel to birds? Wasn’t there an easier way of killing these birds am not saying they should have killed any animal as a scapegoat but since they are already at it, why not be humane at it? Have you been anywhere near a person trying to roast a bird with its feathers, the smell is unbearable and if this god loved the aroma, then I don’t know what it doesn’t like.