Chronicles of YHWH 18: Deadbeat Dad

Deadbeat Dad

With his hands securely stapled to the cross, Yeshua looked up into the skies, and cried: “Eli, Eli, Lama Sabachthani!”, which loosely translates to “Father, father, you are a Deadbeat Dad!”. YHWH disagreed with this assessment, and so the two held the following conversation.

(It should be noted that YHWH remained completely invisible throughout this exchange.)

YHWH: I’m not a deadbeat, Yeshua. I allowed you to walk on water some time ago, remember? Didn’t you like the experience?

Yeshua: I did, but that’s in the past. Look, I’ve just received the worst beating of my life. Then they’ve nailed me to this wooden truss. It’s embarrassing. Get me out of here.

YHWH: No. LOL. Tell you what – I’ll instruct one of the solders to nail down your feet too. Your sandals keep falling off.

Yeshua: No! Please, don’t do that, father! I’ll never call you a deadbeat dad again! You are the best dad in the whole universe! The beginning and the end!

YHWH: Yes, that I am! Ha ha.

Yeshua: Get me out of here, please. These human crazies are planning to drive a spear up my ribs.

YHWH: Ouch. That will likely hurt. But nay, you are stuck to that cross until I forgive ALL of mankind for eating that apple in the Garden of Eden. I’ve currently forgiven about 40 percent of them. The more you bleed, the more I forgive more of them.

Yeshua: I don’t get how that works, dad. Why forgive the humans only after they have tortured me – your own begotten son?

YHWH: It’s a complex thing, son. Much too complex for you too understand. But essentially, your blood acts as detergent to clean the sins of the humans. After you die, I’ll completely forgive the humans of that Garden of Eden… misunderstanding.

Long silence.

Yeshua: I really don’t understand how that works, dad.

YHWH: I know, son, I know you don’t understand. I’m very mysterious. Nobody understands my ways. Even the angels up here are looking at me with strange expressions.

 

N/B: For access to all anecdotes in this series, check out List of all “Chronicles of YHWH” notes.

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The Garden of Eden was in Congo

My great friend and teacher shared with me a story about the Efe people taken from The Pygmy Kitabu by JEAN-PIERRE HALLET and ALEX PELLE [yours truly is yet to read the book but I will relay the story nonetheless.

One fine day in heaven, God told his chief helper to make the first man. The angel of the moon descended. He modeled the first man from earth, wrapped a skin around the earth, poured blood into the skin, and punched holes for the nostrils, eyes, ears and mouth. He made another hole in the first man’s bottom, and put all the organs in his insides. Then he breathed his own vital force into the little earthen statue. He entered into the body. It moved… It sat up… It stood up… It walked. It was Efé, the first man and father of all who came after.
 
    “God said to Efé, ‘Beget children to people my forest. I shall give them everything they need to be happy. They will never have to work. They will be lords of the earth. They will live forever. There is only one thing I forbid them. Now — listen well — give my words to your children, and tell them to transmit this commandment to every generation. The tahu tree is absolutely forbidden to man. You must never, for any reason, violate this law.’
    “Efé obeyed these instructions. He, and his children, never went near the tree. Many years passed. Then God called to Efé, ‘Come up to heaven. I need your help!’ So Efé went up to the sky. After he left, the ancestors lived in accordance with his laws and teachings for a long, long time. Then, one terrible day, a pregnant woman said to her husband, ‘Darling, I want to eat the fruit of the tahu tree.’ He said, ‘You know that is wrong.’ She said, ‘Why?’ He said, ‘It is against the law.’ She said, ‘That is a silly old law. Which do you care about more — me, or some silly old law?’
    “They argued and argued. Finally, he gave in. His heart pounded with fear as he sneaked into the deep, deep forest. Closer and closer he came. There it was — the forbidden tree of God. The sinner picked a tahu fruit. He peeled the tahu fruit. He hid the peel under a pile of leaves. Then he returned to camp and gave the fruit to his wife. She tasted it. She urged her husband to taste it. He did. All of the other Pygmies had a bite. Everyone ate the forbidden fruit, and everyone thought that God would never find out.
    “Meanwhile, the angel of the moon watched from on high. He rushed a message to his master: ‘The people have eaten the fruit of the tahu tree!’ God was infuriated. ‘You have disobeyed my orders,’ he said to the ancestors. ‘For this you will die!'”
    In another version, god, angered, says to the Man’s wife:     

“‘You broke your promise to me! And you pulled that poor man into sin! Now I’m going to punish you: both of you will find out what it is to work hard and be sick and die. But you, woman, since you made the trouble first, you will suffer the most. Your babies will hurt you when they come, and you will always have to work for the man you betrayed.'”