Chronicles of YHWH 36: Happy Birthday, Yeshua

Happy Birthday

Heaven, 24th December, 2014:

Yeshua: Dad, do we have to do this? Do we have to have a birthday party tomorrow?

YHWH: Yes! Absolutely! I’ll prepare extra manna for the angels and the four-headed beasts tomorrow. Take care of the unleavened bread and the wine, will you?

Yeshua: But dad, we throw the exact some party each year on this day. The exact same foods and wines, and the exact same birthday songs for me. It’s getting a tad boring.

YHWH: I know, son. I know.

Yeshua: Yet you absolutely resist any attempt to add spice and variety to the celebrations. Last year, Angel Bamanifa suggested new dance moves in the celebrations, and you promptly sent him to hell.

YHWH: Yes. This I did, my son.

Yeshua: Also, the birthday cake keeps getting bigger and bigger. Do we have to place all the 2,014 candles on its surface?

YHWH: Of course, son. That’s your present age, right?

Yeshua: But we can just put one candle there to stand in for the rest, symbolically.

YHWH: Look, son, you’ve absolutely refused to go out there and get your own house. You insist on living under my roof, even after two thousand years. The more you continue living with me, the more your birthday cake will get bigger, as we add more candles to it. Comprendes?

Yeshua (Crestfallen): Could we at least sing some new songs tomorrow?

YHWH: No! Singing the exact same old, boring songs is my peaceful way of protesting against your continued presence in my house.

 Merry Christmas, Everyone!!

N/B: For access to all anecdotes in this series, check out List of all “Chronicles of YHWH” notes.

Chronicles of YHWH 32: Rip One

Rip One

In the beginning, there was darkness all over. And water. YHWH used to swim in the darkness with his angels, subsisting on manna soaked in the water around. At one time, though, this diet gave Angel Gabriel a stomach upset, and he started farting in the darkness.

 

YHWH: Wha… who is that?

Gabriel: It is I, Lord. Angel Gabriel, your faithful servant.

YHWH: Stop farting, Gabriel. You are making the waters around acidic.

Gabriel: Sorry about that. I’ll stop.

 

Brief silence.

 

YHWH: You’ve just farted again. What is wrong with you?

Gabriel: I’m sorry. I’m not sure what’s happening. I think some of the manna is going bad in all this water around. And I can’t see anything, so can’t determine which manna is good, and which is not.

YHWH: You need to hold your farts in. Squeeze the dime.

Gabriel: Will do.

 

Brief silence.

 

YHWH: Dammit, Gabriel! You’ve just let loose yet another one! Are you trying to put us all under siege with your gases? I can hear the other angels swimming away from us now!

Gabriel: I’m really, really, terribly sorry, Lord. That last one sneaked out against my best efforts to contain it.

YHWH: It sounded like a thousand trumpets!

Gabriel: Perhaps if we had some light around, I could swim further away from the rest of you until my stomach settles down again.

YHWH: Fine. I’ll create some light.

 

And hence YHWH proclaimed, in a loud, booming voice: “Let there be light!”

 

N/B: For access to all anecdotes in this series, check out List of all “Chronicles of YHWH” notes.

Chronicles of YHWH 30: Take Her Back

Take her back

Garden of Eden – three weeks after creation:

Adam: Take her back, Lord.

YHWH: Huh?

Adam: The woman. Take her back. Please.

YHWH: Why, what’s wrong?

Adam: She’s driving me nuts. I find it hard to believe that she’s flesh of my flesh, and bone of my bone.

YHWH: What exactly has been going on, Adam?

Adam: That’s part of the problem, Lord: I often have no idea what is going on. Except for the general knowledge that I’m somehow in a fight with her. A fight whose origin and nature I haven’t the vaguest clue.

YHWH: You need to communicate more openly with her. Show her kindness. Bring her the occasional flower from the field. I’ve provided you with hundreds of different flowers in the field for exactly this purpose.

Adam: I try, Lord. I really do. But the other day, out of the blue, she started counting my ribs, while muttering to herself.

YHWH: Counting your ribs?

Adam: Yeah. Said that she suspected that I had given you another rib to fabricate for me another woman.

YHWH: Whoa.

Adam. I know right? Nuts. Also, she’s formed a weird friendship with that talking snake. They are forever together, discussing fruits and trees. Why did you create a talking snake, by the way?

YHWH: One of my private jokes. I find it amusing.

Adam: I don’t. I think that the snake is up to no good.

YHWH: The snake is fine. Relax, Adam.

Adam: Yesterday, the woman asked me if her butt was big.

YHWH: Uh oh…

Adam: I said yes, and she exploded. Told me that I hated her. So I quickly corrected myself, and said no – that her butt was fine. But she almost tore my head off then. Called me a liar. I quickly run into the farm, and came back with pomegranates and loquats in a bid to make peace. The heat is still up.

YHWH: Listen, that question about her size doesn’t have a correct answer.

Adam: It doesn’t?

YHWH: No, it doesn’t. Never attempt to answer it, in future. Next time she raises it again, run away from her, and bring me a burnt sacrifice. I’ll hide you until she cools down and forgets that question.

Long pause.

Adam: I’m losing my mind. Please take her back.

YHWH: No. LOL.

 

N/B: For access to all anecdotes in this series, check out List of all “Chronicles of YHWH” notes.

Chronicles of YHWH 29: Tupac

Tupac

By 2014, YHWH was completely miffed by Tupac. Tupac was still somehow recording new songs with his former, earthly record firm. So YHWH held a conversation with him:

YHWH: Pac, stop producing more secular music with Death Row Records. You are dead, remember?

2Pac: I’m an Outlaw Immortal – a G-Star forever. Up here in heaven, and down there amongst mortals, All Eyes are On Me.

YHWH: You should join my choir and start singing heavenly hymnals and chorals. Like any other normal dead guy. I don’t like your gangster lyrics.

2Pac: It’s a thug life. My baby mama on the other side cries for my voice. It aint easy – me here, her down there. I search for a Nickel bag of sess weed, spiked with hash, but your angels aren’t packing any. Give me a twelve gauge, and I’ll rule over all of them winged fairies!

YHWH: If you don’t change your ways, I’ll send you down to hell, Pac.

2Pac: Hell is right up in my hood. You wanna send me down there, I aint mad witcha. My homies are all crushing down there, actually. Heard they are all tearing hell a new one, kicking up dust.

YHWH. Sigh. Look, I need you up here so that you can train these angels some new melodies. They’ve been singing the same old songs for a very long time. It’s getting a bit boring.

2Pac: I ask you – are them fairies down with the thug life?

YHWH: They are angels, not fairies.

2Pac: Fairies, angels, leprechauns or spirits, it’s all the same. Same difference. I don’t discriminate. I’m a thug on a mission. If they wanna keep up with a G-Star, they better start downing shots of alazhay.

YHWH: Can you train them, though? Help make their music more… contemporary?

2Pac: Yeah – if there is a vision, there is a way. Nothing can stop me but a slug. I’ll open my poetry armoury, and you’ll pick the first track for the angels. Straight gunning with the lyrics. I’m down with that.

YHWH: Excellent! It’s a deal, then. You train my angels, and I’ll let you have your leafy stash.

2Pac: And the Alazhay.

YHWH: And the Alazhay, of course.

 

(In Loving Memory of The Great Pac)

 

N/B: For access to all anecdotes in this series, check out List of all “Chronicles of YHWH” notes.

Chronicles of YHWH 26: The Burning Bush

Burning Bush

Moses once saw a burning bush in the desert. And Lo, the bush spake to him:

Burning Bush: Moses, come hither. Remove your sandals.

Moses: Hello there, weird burning bush. I’ve never seen a talking bush before.

Burning Bush: I’m not a burning bush. I am YHWH, the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.

Moses: You look like a burning bush.

Burning Bush: The bush is an accessory. A visual prop, if you will. I’m actually the flames in the bush. It’s all magical. That’s why I’m not consuming the leaves of the bush.

Moses: So why are you hiding in the bush, if the bush is not part of you?

Burning Bush: Sigh. You are not getting the theatrical dimension to all this, clearly. I’m not hiding in the bush. The bush is like a costume. It’s all purely conventional.

Moses: So the bush is to you what my robes and sandals are to me?

Burning Bush: More or less. Now to the point of my visit. There are some Jews I’d like you to free from Egypt…

Moses: Wait. Are you telling me that you are wearing a bush, and that without it, you would be naked?

Burning Bush: Ostensibly. Look, it doesn’t really matter. Now these Jews…

Moses (Averting his eyes): I can’t bear to look at the burning flames now. It feels… indecent.

Burning Bush (Roaring): MOSES! FOCUS! I’M NOT NAKED!!!

 

N/B: For access to all anecdotes in this series, check out List of all “Chronicles of YHWH” notes.

Chronicles of YHWH 25: Israel at Peniel

Israel at Peniel

One night, while Jacob was minding his own business at a place called Peniel, YHWH sneaked upon him, and started pinching him, provocatively. Infuriated, Jacob stood up, and gave YHWH a heavy beating for the whole night. A badly surprised YHWH dislocated Jacob’s hip joint in a bid to incapacitate him, but Jacob still managed to overpower him. Finally, at daybreak, YHWH begged for a truce:

YHWH: Please let me go, man. My body is aching all over.

Jacob: No, I will not let you go until you bless me.

YHWH: How can you ask me to bless you after beating me up like that for a whole night?

Jacob: You started it. You are the one who came and started pinching me for no reason at all.

YHWH: Yeah, but you didn’t have to beat me up like a step-son. I can hardly move. My left eye is swollen shut. My ribs are probably broken. You punch and kick like a mule.

Jacob: Look, just give me your blessings, and I’ll let you go. Otherwise, I’ll keep slapping you until you soil your loin cloth.

YHWH: No – don’t slap me again. Those slaps are too painful. My ears are ringing. I will bless you. What’s your name?

Jacob: I’m Jacob, son of Isaac.

YHWH: Fine. From today, your name will be Israel – for you have beaten God into a pulp. Now, please let me go back to heaven in peace.

And so Jacob – now Israel – let YHWH depart. And YHWH limped away, painfully. He never visited Israel again in a physical form.

 

N/B: For access to all anecdotes in this series, check out List of all “Chronicles of YHWH” notes.

Chronicles of YHWH 24: Earth-Sick

Earth Sickness

Heaven. Somewhere in the early 21st Century:

Yeshua: I want to visit the humans again, dad.

YHWH: What? Why?

Yeshua: I miss the unleavened bread down there. And the fine wine. And the fish.

YHWH: They will beat you up again. Or worse. I hear their punishment methods have evolved.

Yeshua: Evolved? Into what?

YHWH: Well, they might waterboard you and then throw you into Guantanamo. There, a burly guy called Mirasta will turn you into his wife. He is big. You would never be the same again. And I would never look you in the eyes again.

Yeshua: I can change my appearance. Shave my beard and shorten my hair. I’ll also wear dark sunglasses down there.

YHWH: Too risky. You’ll still stand out. You don’t know how to drive a modern car, for example. And they no longer ride donkeys. You also don’t know how to operate a basic computer. Or even how to mix a Pina Colada.

Yeshua: I could start life there as a baby, once again. Like last time. Learn as I grow up.

YHWH: Not possible. Those humans will not swallow the “immaculate conception” line again. Even last time, it was an incredibly hard sell.

Yeshua: Sigh. So I’m stuck here on your right hand side forever?

YHWH: Pretty much.

 

N/B: For access to all anecdotes in this series, check out List of all “Chronicles of YHWH” notes.

Chronicles of YHWH 20: From Atop Mt. Sinai

From atop Mt. Sinai

Reporter: I’m reporting live from Mount Sinai, where I have the pleasure of asking YHWH a few questions that have plagued mankind for ages. YHWH, it’s a pleasure to meet you.

YHWH: You are welcome to ask any question, human. As long as you don’t look at my face. If you need to look at me, let me know, and I’ll turn, so that you can look at my back parts.

Reporter (Aghast): Uh… okay. Anyway, to the questions. Firstly, what came first: the chicken or the egg?

YHWH: The chicken is in the egg, and the egg is in the chicken. For this pleases me. I, the Lord of Hosts, have spoken.

Reporter: Hmmm. Okay. Second question: Why did the chicken cross the road?

YHWH: The chicken never crossed the road. Human philosophers and other “men of intellect” have lost their way, and now live a lie. They think that the chicken crossed the road. But I have hidden wisdom from them, and given it to babes, who now know that the chicken didn’t cross the road, ever. For the road is long and narrow, and only hooved animals cross it. The chicken doesn’t have hooves.

Reporter: I see. Third question: what is the sound of one hand clapping in the forest?

YHWH: The sound is very hard to define in human terms. It’s like a strained whistle from a Sopranino Clarinet, punctuated by a highly tuned Hammered Dulcimer, all while flanging the underlying Heptatonia Prima scale. It’s a highly anointed sound. The nearest human analogue is the sound of a slap on a cheek. Hence the famous saying: Turn the other cheek.

Short Pause.

Reporter: Alright then. I think that that will be all. Any final words, YHWH?

YHWH: Yeah. Are you sure you don’t want to see my back parts? I’ll hide my face while you look.

Reporter (Hastily): No, that won’t be necessarily. Thank you, YHWH.

 

N/B: For access to all anecdotes in this series, check out List of all “Chronicles of YHWH” notes.

Chronicles of YHWH 19: Notifications

Notifications

YHWH’s Facebook activities:

Notification: The Virgin Mary accepted your friend request. Write on her wall or send her a message.

YHWH: **Private message to The Virgin Mary** “Howdy, Mary. I’ll make you an Overnight Celebrity. Let me Upgrade You tonight, immaculately.”

Notification: Lucifer invited you to like his page “The Lucifer Verses”

YHWH: **Block all invitations from Lucifer. **Block Lucifer and Report his account. **Unblock Lucifer. **Private message to Lucifer “BURN IN HELL!!!” **Block Lucifer and Report his account.

Notification: Gabriel, Michael, Suzanna and 204 other angels have liked your post in “The Heavenly Walkway” page.

YHWH: **Mark notification as read.

Notification: There are unread inbox messages from Confucius, Buddha and Allah.

YHWH: **Mark messages as spam. **Report Confucius, Buddha and Allah.

Notification: Lilith sucked your Lollipop on “The Celestial Warpath” Game. Suck her Lollipop back by clicking HERE.

YHWH: **Click**

 

N/B: For access to all anecdotes in this series, check out List of all “Chronicles of YHWH” notes.

Chronicles of YHWH 18: Deadbeat Dad

Deadbeat Dad

With his hands securely stapled to the cross, Yeshua looked up into the skies, and cried: “Eli, Eli, Lama Sabachthani!”, which loosely translates to “Father, father, you are a Deadbeat Dad!”. YHWH disagreed with this assessment, and so the two held the following conversation.

(It should be noted that YHWH remained completely invisible throughout this exchange.)

YHWH: I’m not a deadbeat, Yeshua. I allowed you to walk on water some time ago, remember? Didn’t you like the experience?

Yeshua: I did, but that’s in the past. Look, I’ve just received the worst beating of my life. Then they’ve nailed me to this wooden truss. It’s embarrassing. Get me out of here.

YHWH: No. LOL. Tell you what – I’ll instruct one of the solders to nail down your feet too. Your sandals keep falling off.

Yeshua: No! Please, don’t do that, father! I’ll never call you a deadbeat dad again! You are the best dad in the whole universe! The beginning and the end!

YHWH: Yes, that I am! Ha ha.

Yeshua: Get me out of here, please. These human crazies are planning to drive a spear up my ribs.

YHWH: Ouch. That will likely hurt. But nay, you are stuck to that cross until I forgive ALL of mankind for eating that apple in the Garden of Eden. I’ve currently forgiven about 40 percent of them. The more you bleed, the more I forgive more of them.

Yeshua: I don’t get how that works, dad. Why forgive the humans only after they have tortured me – your own begotten son?

YHWH: It’s a complex thing, son. Much too complex for you too understand. But essentially, your blood acts as detergent to clean the sins of the humans. After you die, I’ll completely forgive the humans of that Garden of Eden… misunderstanding.

Long silence.

Yeshua: I really don’t understand how that works, dad.

YHWH: I know, son, I know you don’t understand. I’m very mysterious. Nobody understands my ways. Even the angels up here are looking at me with strange expressions.

 

N/B: For access to all anecdotes in this series, check out List of all “Chronicles of YHWH” notes.