Have you read your New Testament lately?


Because that could be only reason you are an atheist. So dear friends, atheists especially, pick up that dusty old bible of yours wherever you have been keeping it, jump to the new testament and Jesus will minister to you on every verse. Can I hear a loud Amen.

And then if you are lucky, you might just marry an international healing evangelist willing to compete with the local shaman in a village of your choice. Amen.

But this works well if you try it while undergoing a traumatic episode in your life. You can start with the 30 no-pay- trial period before you purchase the full version. What are you waiting for?

Or maybe you have the stomach for this. I didn’t.

About makagutu

As Onyango Makagutu I am Kenyan, as far as I am a man, I am a citizen of the world

31 thoughts on “Have you read your New Testament lately?

  1. ladysighs says:

    My mother gave a new bible to us as a wedding gift. I never opened the box. It is still up on the bookshelf. I think it might sell better at my garage sale if I don’t open it up and read.
    I do have another bible from my grandmother when a small child. I could look for that. It is quite old and might be worth something. So won’t put it out in the garage sale.

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  2. jim- says:

    She was convinced she needed a savior. I wonder if she read the Upanishads she’d be convinced she doesn’t? I wonder what religions she had to compare it?
    Being a people pleaser and an atheist—may just be too needy to go it alone.

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  3. Ubi Dubium says:

    When I get hold of a Gideon Bible, usually in a hotel room, I sure open it. I leave lots of helpful annotations, and suggestions of chapters for people to read.

    That first story reads like the standard three-part christian “testimony”. Carefully crafted, coached, and utterly fake and unconvincing to anyone outside the christian bubble. As a reminder, a testimony looks like this:

    1. A pre-conversion past that will sadden, horrify, or titillate tribemates. Hopefully, it accomplishes all three. Oh, this person’s life was just awful before conversion! They were soooo far gone! Maybe they were rich and high-rollin’ or dejected and lonely, but whatever the case, they were completely the opposite of the tribal ideal.

    2. OMG CONVERSION MOMENT! The convert sees the light! Hooray Team Jesus! Often, this stage involves a miracle claim.

    3. Life after deconversion. After conversion, the tale-bearer does a 180. Life now looks completely opposite from the first stage. Now, they fit completely into the tribe’s ideal for members.

    (Hat tip to Roll To Disbelieve for this description.)

    Liked by 4 people

  4. Nan says:

    “Julie” (in the article) said, “These were the words I exactly needed someone to say to me, so reassuring,” .

    Had those words been in a book other than the bible, one wonders if they too would have been “reassuring.” IOW, does the “location” of words make a difference in their effect? Hmmmm?

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  5. In the almost 55 years we’ve been married, we’ve never had that waste of paper in any of our houses.

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  6. jilldennison says:

    As I commented on the post in the first link, what a crock of b.s. If there is a god such as the religious people believe, then he is cruel and evil, for look at the state the world is in today.

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  7. These are vanilla testimonies. I feel bad for the second lady’s husband and her kids. He’s lost his wife to the church. She’s going to be pressured to indoctrinate the kids. So very sad.

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  8. We had to recite that toom by heart and every failure was rewarded with the whip of the cane by one of those holy sisters dressed in black robes. so by the end of our school years, we celebrated by burning the pile of our new testaments.

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