Of all my friends on the blogosphere, I know of none other than the Ark who will enjoy this conversation taking place immediately after the crucifixion of Zombie Jesus.
First, I will declare the story is not originally mine and that I am just the hand that will bring it to the public, who otherwise may not see it. It is adapted from The truth about Jesus: Is he myth by M.M Mangasarian
The following conversation takes place between us and the apostles.
How long have you known Jesus?
I have known him for one year.
And I for two.
And I for three.
Has any of you known him for more than three years?
Was he with his apostles for one year or for three?
No, for three.
You are not certain, then, how long Jesus was with his apostles.
How old was Jesus when crucified?
No, about thirty-three.
No, he was much older, about fifty.
You cannot tell with any certainty, then, his age at the time of his death.
You say he was tried and crucified in Jerusalem before your own eyes, can you remember the date of this great event?
Were you present when Jesus was taken down from the cross?
We were not.
You cannot tell, then, whether he was dead when taken down.
We have no personal knowledge.
Were you present when he was buried?
We were not, because we were in hiding for our lives.
You do not know, therefore, whether he was actually buried, or where he was buried.
We do not.
Were any of you present when Jesus came forth from the grave?
Not one of us was present,
Then, you were not with him when he was taken down from the cross; you were not with him when he was interred, and you were not present when he rose from the grave.
We were not.
When, therefore, you say, he was dead, buried and rose again, you are relying upon the testimony of others?
Will you mention the names of some of the witnesses who saw Jesus come forth from the tomb?
Mary Magdalene, and she is here and may be questioned.
Were you present, Mary, when the angels rolled away the stone, and when Jesus came forth from the dead?
No, when I reached the burying place early in the morning, the grave had already been vacated, and there was no one sleeping in it.
You saw him, then, as the apostles did, _after_ he had risen?
But you did not see anybody rise out of the grave.
I did not.
Are there any witnesses who saw the resurrection?
There are many who saw him after the resurrection.
But if neither they nor you saw him dead, and buried, and did not see him rise, either, how can you tell that a most astounding and supposedly impossible miracle had taken place between the time you saw him last and when you saw him again two or three days after? Is it not more natural to suppose that, being in a hurry on account of the approaching Sabbath, Jesus, if ever crucified, was taken down from the cross before he had really died, and that he was not buried, as rumor states, but remained in hiding; and his showing himself to you under cover of darkness and in secluded spots and in the dead of night only, would seem to confirm this explanation. You admit also that the risen Jesus did not present himself at the synagogues of the people, in the public streets, or at the palace of the High Priest to convince them of his Messiahship.
Do you not think that if he had done this, it would then have been impossible to deny his resurrection? Why, then, did Jesus hide himself after he came out of the grave? Why did he not show himself also to his enemies? Was he still afraid of them, or did he not care whether they believed or not? If so, why are _you_ trying to convert them? The question waits for a reasonable answer; Why did not Jesus challenge the whole world with the evidence of his resurrection? You say you saw him occasionally, a few moments at a time, now here, and now there, and finally on the top of a mountain whence he was caught up in a cloud and disappeared altogether. But that “cloud” has melted away, the sky is clear, and there is no Jesus visible there. The cloud, then, had nothing to hide. It was unnecessary to call in a cloud to close the career of your Christ.The grave is empty, the cloud has vanished. Where is Christ? In heaven! Ah, you have at last removed him to a world unknown, to the undiscovered country. Leave him there! Criticism, doubt, investigation, the light of day, cannot cross its shores. Leave him there!
Merci, mon ami.
Ever noticed that noone brings up Joseph of Arimathea?
He was the one that went and asked permission for the body, did he not?
Most welcome mate, you know, you tell very interesting stories.
Maybe the theologians know Joseph of Arimathea may not support their cause. It is quite curious when you come to think of it.
Well it was his tomb was it not?
Maybe he knows no one was buried therein and would not want to lie. Could we say he was a honest man? Just maybe?
I think he was merely another ”prop” for the story.
When you start with a lie, you keep embellishing lies you forget where you started! I don’t even know how they could have made the story plausible. Maybe they could have had a session with you? Don’t you think?
One has to recognise the type one is addressing…like this charming fellow.
You’ll love him , Mak, truly! lol….
There will come a time when religion like this is classified a mental illness.
For the sake of my sanity, even though I have engaged much worse, I will for the time being allow him to wallow in his delusion.
It will not do the earth and the universe any good to free him from them
Tis amazing, is it not?
Just when you think you’ve met them all…up pops another.
It’s like William Lane Craig went to the sperm bank 20 odd years ago and every time you find a sensible argument to defeat these lunatics the sperm back releases another from cryogenic suspension.
The Zombie Army
Hahaha! You bet.
Funny you brought that post to my attention. I didn’t even have to check who he was responding to since I read that post yesterday. Apologists are nuts, real nuts.
It’s such times that in waving your hand, one says oh god please save us from your people!
And their posts are so intense, have you noticed?
They spew out reams and reams of this diatribe and almost nobody reads it.
These are some really damaged people.
It seems M.M. Mangasarian has come to the same conclusion as I did. Funny that. One would expect anyone, wiht half a brain, who read the story from the Bible as a historical account would come to that conclusion. There simply are no eyewittness accounts of either the death, or resurrection of Jesus in the book. Just a bunch of mutually contradicting hearsay stories. People believe what they have been told to believe about the story before even reading it. Silly.
A completely different question is wether the story deserves to be treated as a historical account rather than mere myth.
The story cannot be treated of a history account for it fails to measure as such. It, however, deserves to be treated as myth, a christian drama just as the Iliad of the Greeks of the ages gone by or Gita as an epic
Reblogged this on Allallt in discussion and commented:
Further ideas on the resurrection being… questionable.
How many of us today really check out the facts about what somebody tells us. Especially if it is a good friend who heard it from a good friend who heard it from their sister-in-law’s etc etc. Then we spread it with a little embellishment. It’s like a joke. You add your own little tweak.
And of course the louder you shout it or wave your arms about in front of a captive audience or wave the sword around, the truer it becomes. 😦
Who wants to check for facts? They are cumbersome and it’s easier to embellish as we go along.
Where have you taken leave to? Are you alright?
Reblogged this on Nice Atheist and commented:
So glad Makagutu is my blogging buddy. I seriously laughed out loud reading the following to Mr. Amazing. Surviving Jesus and overcoming religion brings everything into perspective.
Thanks dear and I hope you too enjoyed the story! It is too good not to pass around, don’t you agree?
Loved it lots! It’s not mean, dirty or ugly. In my head I picture a bunch of grown men standing around with a reporter. As he (Let’s face it, it would have been a ‘he’ because of their way of living.) asks them questions they’re all standing around clasping their hands behind their backs. With every question each disciple digs his sandal wearing foot deeper and deeper into the ground watching his toes fill up with sand.
They can hardly make eye contact with the reporter as they think “Damn, it is pretty odd that the Roman soldiers didn’t have to break Jesus’ legs on the cross because he was already dead.”
“It’s kind of weird that he died before the two thieves on the cross.”
“You know, John’s the one who came back to tell us about his death. Was he really there to begin with? He always was such a brown noser, bragging about how he was the disciple who ‘Jesus loved’. Makes me wanna kick him in the crotch and run!”
Something that bothered me about the Jesus story the last few years of my “salvation” is that Jesus would have not been the only renegade among young Jewish men oppressed by the Roman government and military. How could I fully know that he was the anointed one to follow thousands of years later?
The story of Jesus has many odds. How would a guy who has been preaching around, feeding thousands on almost nothing, starting a revolt within the synagogue precincts be unknown to the authorities that one of his disciples had to be bribed to identify him?
This is clearly stated in Mark. Judas tells them that the man that he kisses is the one that they have been wanting to catch for a long time. Very good point. I know they didn’t have TV, phones or computers back then, but they were continually criticizing Jesus, watching him heal the sick and preach. Surely, at least some of the authorities knew what he looked like.
In my village, the sub chief knows or at least knows the bad boys. How couldn’t the powers that be not know of a wonder working son of god? Is it remotely possible that this guy should be betrayed and arrested at night? Seriously, it wasn’t a state of emergency!
Am glad you liked it!
Liked it; sharing it–nothing like a little controversy to start off the day! :0)
Share away mate! It is a good way to start one’s day
I especially like tbe actual ending to Mark 🙂
Looking at the conversation and reading the bible story, you will see why there is a big problem with those making any claims about Jesus and there is more of that if you just take the time to look.
Yes, I read it. Thanks.
[…] you read the assertions, here is a piece that you should begin with. It sheds some light on the problem we will try to answer […]
So, let me see if I get this right. You’re saying there was NO resurrection? That it’s just a story? OK. You’ve convinced me. Thanks. 🙂
Just a so so story
True. Dawn of the Dead is much, much better as far as zombie stories go.
Do you think it beats Mathew’s zombie apocalypse? Dead men walking outta their graves, man!
Yes, because it actually completes the friggin’ story and tells us what happened to the zombies. WTF happened to the zombie kings in Matthew? Where the eff are they? I NEED to know, man!
I think Mathew left his zombies to walk among us.
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