Who ends up in Hell?
Many fundamentalist ‘Christians’ maintain that Hell is reserved for people who are immoral. Helpfully, they are able to narrow this down into a few specific types of people:
- People who voted for Clinton, Obama, Biden, or any democratic president in history
- Liberals
- Communists
- Liars (unless they are also elected Republicans)
- Thieves
- Murderers
- People who are violent
- People who question my constitutional right to bear arms under the second amendment
- People who question my right to invade other countries so that we can find and remove their weapons from them
- People who don’t live in the United States of America
- Atheists
- Agnostics
- Catholics (according to protestants)
- Protestants (according to Catholics)
- Hypocrites
- Pagans
- Muslims
- Critics of Israel
- Jews
- Hitler
- People who believe that a vaccine is more effective than prayer
- People who believe in evolution
- People who believe the earth is more than six thousand years old
- Christians who don’t take the Bible literally
- People who disagree with my interpretation of an ancient Jewish manuscript written in a completely different time, culture, and context to my own
- Christians who don’t own and read the King James Version of the Bible
- Christians who go to a different church than me
- Christians who believe in free will
- People who have not asked Jesus into their heart of their own free will
- People who have never heard about Jesus
- People who believe that people who have never heard about Jesus will end up in heaven
- People who don’t believe in Hell
- Fornicators
- Masturbators
- Goats
- Gymnasts
- People who dance
- People who engage in pre-marital hand-holding
- Women who speak in church
- Women who wear pants
- Women who cause men to sin by wearing dresses that are too short
- Men who wear dresses
- Women who think they are men
- Men who think they are women
- Women who support men who think they are women
- Men who support women who think are men
- Men who like men
- Women who like women
- Men and women who affirm and support men who like men and women who like women
- Adulterers (unless they are men)
- Rapists (unless the rapist and their victim are married)
- Drunkards
- People who like rock music
- People with tattoos
- People who have read any of the Harry Potter books
- People who watch horror movies
- People who enjoy life
- Witches
- Fortune tellers (unless you call it a prophetic word from the Lord)]
- People who gossip (unless it’s to collect prayer requests)
- People who are greedy
- People who are absurdly rich (unless they are a televangelist)
- People who walk away from the evangelical church after three and a half decades
- Dead people
- People who see dead people
- Cats
- You
Hey, it’s because I love you that I am warning you that you’re going to end up in Hell if you don’t repent and start believing exactly the same things I do. In fact, you’re pretty darn lucky that I am so enlightened and can show you the error of your ways.
Don’t you feel better now that you’ve heard the ‘Good News’ of the Gospel?
I sure do!
In fact, I’m sure glad that I have faithfully administered my Christian duty by warning you about Hell.
Hallelujah